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Ask Bob!
"Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang, yeah-yeah..." - Peaches and Herb - Jerome was supposed to write to us from Iraq, via instant messaging, and tell us where Saddam is; however, we haven't heard from him for two weeks! We have no idea what's going on, but he's probably wasted somewhere or he's someone's "man-bitch" in an Iraqi prison. Who knows. Who cares. Now we have time to examine the more important things in life...namely - myself. Now that it is finally spring in Nebraska, I'm enjoying the great outdoors. And by great outdoors, I really mean yard-work. As you may recall, when I became "evil Bob" I got a job that made lots of money and me, the old lady, and baby gurl, moved out of our apartment and into a new house that I bought. Yup, movin' on up! Just like the Jeffersons. Soon I was cured when my wife tied me to the balcony on a sunny day and poured a bucket of lolly-pops on my head. The combination of sunshine and lolly-pops cured me, and I was back to normal. Being my normal passive self, I was soon fired from my high-fallootin job. But I still got the house! Which means yard-work. I bought an electric lawn-mower from Black n' Decker, cause it's good for the Earth. But my smart ass neighbor don't care, on account that he's a Pilsbury dogh-boy lookin', Abraham Lincoln beared, cool - I wear my sunglasses at night, disco listenin' dumb-ass. He thinks that a real man only uses a gas powered mower, so when I'm out mowing, he comes outside and says shit like, "Hey, don't run over the cord!" And shit like that... So as he watches me, he tracks how far the mower can go on the section of grass between the sidewalk and the street. The mower can only go as far as the cord. Then the next week that ass-hole mowes about two feet short of how far my cord and mower can reach. Then he has the gall to sit on my porch and watch me mowe. So I go back to the garage where the cord is plugged in and I route it around the Mighty-Metro, and now I can mowe the section previously out of reach. So I stop the mower, lower the blade to the lowest level (about 1/100 of an inch above the ground). With an electric mower you can lower the blade with one switch. Then I re-mowe that whole section. I got dirt and lawn flyin' all over the place. And why not? I hate mowin' that section of the lawn...I hope it all dies. Best of all, I smushed up the perfect lawn of my ass-hole neighbor! That was three weeks ago...now he mowes about four feet into my lawn 'cause he don't want me getting anywhere near his lawn. See? Monkeys can be trained and I save myself four feet of lawn mowin' time which can be diverted to more important activities, like drinkin' beer. And now you know! COMING NEXT: How to train your kitty to catch road-kill! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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