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Ask Bob!
"Bla, bla, bla-bla-bla-bla, she's my no tell lov-a..." - Chicago - Well, when we left off last week, those Duke boys had gotten themselves in quite a pickle. Seems like that hunting trip to the park left our two buddies in Bel's car and that car was headin' right off a cliff! Seems that ol' Stephen got shot in the arm by Bob, and Bob got shot in the head by Stephen - all by accident of course. Stephen's wound wasn't more than a scratch, but being the "wussy" he started blubberin' like a little school girl. Bel thought Stephen was dead, on account that he was "stanky," but Bob explained Stephen always smells that way. Speaking of Bob, that bullet bounced right off his head on account that he has a metal plate in it. Now they is in Bel's taxi-cab, winding around a mountain to get to those two boys to the hospital. Bob (always the prankster) let off a can of agent orange in the car, the smoke that filled the inside impaired Bel's vision, and now those three clowns are headin' right off the edge! Speaking of things falling right off the edge, I almost knocked over the answering machine from our phone table. Could we be the last family in America that has a phone table? I'm lucky my wife is a real smart lady 'cause I still don't know how to use our answering machine, but I did figure out how to "direct" our Direct TV all over the house without paying for another satellite receiver! In a non-related Edge factoid, I bought some of my favorite shaving cream last week ("Edge"). I really like the way it feels on my skin! I REALLY DO!!! Speaking of me liking the way things feel on my skin... Last week my wife caught me doing something in the shower that sent me right to the dog house. Really, I had to sleep outside. Not so bad on Monday with a low of 65 degrees. But this is Nebraska, not only was I in jeopardy of being "Ned Beatty'd" but by Wednesday, it we had a low of 32 degrees - and she wouldn't give me a blanket on account that my shameful act...she was afraid I'd get it "all messed up." But I just couldn't help it. You see, I prefer Dove Soap Bars - not only because it leaves my skin soft and pretty, but because the one quarter cold cream, mixed with the three quarters soap, feels really good on my skin when I wash. Well sometimes, I wash the most dirtiest part of my body very vigorously - in order to get it nice and clean. I'm very self-conscience about the way it smells! Sometimes I scrub it so hard it actually turns red...and that day was no different. All of a sudden - in walks in my lovely wife, "Honey, I was wondering if....Oh my God!!!! GOD PLEASE NO - HELP ME JESUS!!!" And there I was, in one hand I had a bar of soap and in the other, I had my foot. I got really stinky feet, so I gotta scrub, scrub and scrub. I even keep and green dish-pan scrubber, to help scrap the stench off my feet. I put foot spray in my shoes and I use odor eaters...but to no avail. Within two hours of being at work and can smell the stench rise from my shoes. Some people sweat under their arms, some on their foreheads...me...I got Hobbit-hairy feet that sweat. And stink. So I gotta scrub. My wife was disgusted that I was using the Dove soap on my feet and not the liquid-laundry detergent that she puts out for my feet scrubbing. Then she got mad. Oh, I almost forgot...we were heading right toward the edge of the cliff when... Opps! Ran out of room, I'll finish up some other time. And now you know! COMING NEXT: The exciting conclusion! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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