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Ask Bob!
"She's just a devil woman, she's a devil woman, she's gonna get you..." - Cliff Richards - In last weeks column I was reminiscing about the time that me Stephen had big plan to shoot the lovely spring time birds and shove them in the freezer for free food. As it turned out me and Stephen decided to shoot the same bird at the same time that was right inbetween us. When I left off I was remembering the time I had a choice between the expensive plate in my head and the cheap one. I decided to choose the cheap one that would dent if a butterfly landed on it. Now a bullet is headind toward my face. Unknown to me two years ago, in the operating room, the doctor installing the plate in my head decided on a change of plans... "That Bob Senitram is such a nice guy, I think I'll go ahead and put in that steel plate in his head and just charge him for the aluminum plate. Yup, that's-a-one strong plate!" "Ping!" The bullet bounced right off my head! "Hey! You moron! You shot me in the head!" I yelled, as I fell out of my hunting tree. "Uuughhh!" Stephen said, as he fell from his hunting tree. I lifted my head up and saw Stephen face down in the dirt, "My God, I killed him..." I crawled to his side and held him in my arms and looked up to God, "Why?! Oh, God! Why?" I cried. Just then, Stephen opened his eyes and said, "My God, don't you ever shut up!" It was just a flesh wound on his shoulder, just like in the movies...but he needed help. Stephen saw a trickle of blood go down my forhead where the bullet hit me and he passed out. I knew it was up to me to get help. But I was feeling sleepy and I layed down and went to sleep on the ground. When I woke, Crazy Larry was starring at me, screaming, "Blood! I see blood! My God, get a medic!" "That's right." I said in my half-dazed state. "Get help." He ran down the sidewalk screaming, "It's not real...it's not real!" "Shit..." I passed out again. When I came too, Bel was stuffing me in his taxi. "Damn, you're covered in blood, I better get you to a hospital." He said while stuffing me into his back seat with his army boots. "Stephen, we must help Stepen..." I said with my dying breaths. "Stephens dead! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Lord! Stephens dead!" "I think he's just hurt, he's not dead...." I said with my last breath. Bel walked over and sniffed his body, "He's stanky and he don't don't move...he's dead...thank you Jesus! Best that we just leave him here, he's bio-degradable you know." I convinced Bel to throw Stephen in the front seat just in case he was alive...so he did. As we were weaving around the roads that surrounded the mountain side, I heard "Devil Woman" play on the radio. Then I looked in my army coat jacket and found a canister. In my confused state, I thought it was a can of fake peanut brittle with a snake that pops out when you open it... So I leaned in the front seat, and opened it to surprise Bel and lighten up the atmosphere that accompanies death. Turned out it was a canister of agent orange that was left over. I'm not saying we used agent orange in the Gulf War, I'm just saying that's what was in my pocket. Gas sprayed and covered the inside of the taxi, so we couldn't see. From the side window I saw a poster of Cliff Richards who was playing a gig at the local bar. I pointed toward the edge of the mountain side and screamed..."Clifffffffff!" Bel answered, "I know, he's playing at "The Rockford." I didn't have time to explain as the car veared over the cliff of the mountain side...I was sure we were heading toward our death... And now you know! COMING NEXT: The conclusion to a litteral "Cliff-Hanger!" Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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