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Ask Bob!
Ask Bob! - 01/17/03
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
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Song in my head:
"I say heyyyyeeee-yyyyaaaa-eeeeaaaa-eeeeaaaa, heyyyyeeee-yyyyaaaa-eeeeaaaa-eeeeaaaa,
I say hey! What's goin' on ..."
- Four Non-Blondes -
David S. has this to say:
My incident happened in the Summer of 46, or 47, in that time frame.
One night my brother and I were outside late looking at the sky to see meteors. I noticed that there were no stars
on half of the sky. There were no clouds and no lights that would block the stars light. The next day the side
of the sky that was without stars was a gray color, no clouds were visible. The other side had clouds and was blue.
The division was directly overhead.
I was young at the time so I do not remember if there were any newspaper reports of this. Has any of your readers
heard of this or were there any official answer as to the cause? By the way this experience was so great to me
that my memory is still very vivid about this incident. I will be glad to answer questions.
Dearest David,
Not too many people I know are old enough to remember this incident, so I decided to confront the oldest person
in the world. Of course I am talking about, none other than...the Pope.
I thought I'd forward your email to him and see if this event has any religious significance; however, I didn't
know what his email address was. So I forwarded your story to Pope@theweirdcrap.com. I was quite surprised to find
he didn't have a Weirdcrap email account!
Then I decided to forward your email to Pope@___, I filled in the blank with every major Internet supplier I could
think of - once again I was surprised that there are also a lot of people named Pope that use "The Popes"
email name! Although I got a lot of angry mail from people I didn't know, I felt it was worth it to get to the
bottom of your question. And that's exactly what happened when "The Pope" wrote back...here's what he
had to say:
Girbitty-Slurbba, gribble, gribble, gribble, blah. Conshunt-tion per du-plac,
slurrba-slurrba-dribble. Evil-lution, construction, constipationary - kurflah. Suture, solution suuuu-suuuu-sudio.
Mumbilly, mumbully, mojo-kite.
At first I thought, "Wow, this guy writes as bad as he talks." Then I realized it actually made sense.
There was a pattern to his seemingly senile mumblings. That's when I realized...THE POPE IS NOT SENILE - HE'S SPEAKING IN TONGUES!!!
As everyone knows, speaking in tongues is not just garbled talk, like they do on the Gospel TV shows. It it either
an actual language or a code. I determined this was a code - and I cracked it faster than a crack-hoe can spread
her legs! I Took the numerical value of each letter used, for example a = 1, b = 2, etc. Then I multiplied each
number by three (for the holy trinity), then divided by two (for the yin and the yang, the good, and the bad, etc).
Next, I reconverted the numbers to the letter each one represents.
Finally, I wrote each letter on construction paper and cut them out in the shape of a square. I put the squares
in a Yatzee shaker and threw them on the floor. I ended up with one giant run-on sentence, and this is what it
said:
"Your vision is that which was seen by Goliath right before he was slewn by David, it is Gods way of saying
he is disgusted with you and plans to slay you, but lucky for you he had pity and changed his mind - if he didn't
the entire sky would be gray and then you would have died, but you didn't - a testimony to his greatness, but this
does not mean you will go to heaven - no you are a goner and are destined to spend all eternity in hell, in which
you will given word puzzles that you cannot solve - but do not be discouraged for I will have many Bishops and
Priests there to provide you with support and counseling and from time to time a little naughty fun - either that,
or you go to heaven, blessed be his name."
I was so happy when I read this I shed one lonely tear which I considered holy and decided to let it drip in my
fish tank. Now I have a holy gold fish - and I know that it is good. Now go in peace you sick son-of-a-bitch!
And now you know!
COMING NEXT: A Big Flim-Flam!
Email Bob!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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