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Ask Bob!
"If you see me walking by, and there's a teardrop in my eye, look-away, baby look-away..." - Chicago - Disclaimer: I actually hate that song, but they play it on the easy listening station at work and I can't get it out of my head! Damn them, damn them to hell. And to think Chicago used to be cool - back in the day. Well, well, well, it's another new year and you can all go screw yourselves! I mean, Happy New Year inhabitants of the time portal for 2003! Tiffany asks, "Will I ever get you know what?" I know exactly what you're talking about and the answer is "NO!" Sorry. For those who are clueless, let me put it together for you. I'm quite the expert at solving mysteries, on account that once I read half a chapter of a Sherlock Holmes story. I'm so clever at deductive reasoning, I deducted how the story would end and didn't even have to finish it. Tiffany, it is obvious that you are a young woman from Hollywood because no one else, but a person from Hollywood, would name their kid "Tiffany. I wouldn't. Or do you just want us to think you are from Hollywood? And is Tiffany your real name? I THINK NOT!!! Your real name is non-other than HOLLY!!! (insert gasp here.) Yes there are many ways for a young woman to get attention, just ask Ginger Lynn. But you have chosen Hollywood because you feel a certain closeness to it because of the name similarity. You feel that you are being pulled toward Hollywood, but something is holding you back. Just what can it be. If only Holly could, Holly would go to Hollywood. You must be wondering how I know you are a young woman. It is by your question. If the words are rearranged you can form the sentence, "You know what ever I will get." Which suggests a child-like trust in my advice. This child-like way of thinking can only be found in a young person. But what is holding you back? Just what is "you know what?" I'm sorry folks, at this point I have bored myself. So I'll have to change the subject - Sorry Holly. Here's my long awaited, Day Late, Dollar Short Predictions for 2002! Nope it's not a type-"O." For those who are new to "Ask Bob," each year I make predictions for the next year and seal them in a Mayonnaise Jar, sealed with paraffin and wax. Then at the end of the year, I open the jar and publish them here, so you can see how much, I am, on-the-money. I don't know why I do it this way, I just do. 10) Lifetime tv network does a remake of "Smokey and The Bandit." The twist? It's from the female perspective. Calista Flockhart stars in the Sally Field part and Michael Bolten does the Burt Reynolds part. 09) Super Troopers is the #1 video rental of the year! 08) After an exhaustive 2 year search, I finally find my missing red sock. My wife throws the pair away, claiming I shouldn't even own red socks. 07) An in-depth Government study finds a major corporation with clean books! Investors conclude that no business can succeed with honest bookkeeping and sell stock like crazy. The stock value becomes worthless and the company goes bankrupt. 06) Some Al Quada is found in Pakistan and Bush declares war! 05) Some Al Quada is found in China and Bush declares war! 04) Some Al Quada is found in Germany and Bush declares war! 03) Some Al Quada is found in the USA and Bush declares war on himself! 02) Luckily, no one pays attention to Bush, and all is well. 01) Bob Senitram will let down thousands of faithful readers by not posting a #1 prediction! Now...back to Holly: Well if you're a female trying to make it big in Hollywood, you're probably about 4 1/2 feet tall and weigh about 35 lb. Since actresses are basically well dressed swivel sticks, you are no exception. And any person of your dimensions will not posses breasts!!! Yes big round boobs is, "...you know what?" If you continue with the normal actress diet of eating one apple a week, you will never get those melons unless you see a plastic surgeon. But don't run off and do it today! You must first start an exercise program so your tiny frame can support a few extra pounds on your chest. One last thing, next you'll need to write a resume with a cover letter and send it to the major studios. Something like this will probably get you hired:
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| | | | | | © 2002 by TheWeirdcrap.com - "Insanity has found a home." |
