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Ask Bob!
A little bit o' this, a little bit o' that... - Santana and that young chick that wants to be cool by singing with him - I HAD ME A TALK WITH GOD TODAY! He told me - to tell you - to, "Quit fuckin' around!" That's all he said. So, "Quit fuckin' around!" You know what he means. I wrote this article a week ago, but it never got posted! Why? Because our fancy-schmancy "I.T." computer guy said he couldn't load any new stuff on the web site. He said there was no "STP." "STP!" I says, "Computers don't take no oil." Turns out that our server host says, that we could load our site to a new server, then we could update the new stuff, lickety-split! Our lazy-ass I.T. guys says, "No, let's just wait and see how it goes." He's just too lazy to do the extra work and as a result our new stuff don't get published...I hear there are also several new stories waiting to be posted at Alarmingly Strange Stories (new address...http://www.alarminglystrangestories.com). Of course, these fabulous stories have not been published yet, thanks to our stupid "tech-guy!" DAMN HIM, DAMN HIM TO HELL!!! Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest, we now return to my original column... Last week on "Ask Bob," in a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong, Bob had inadvertently become..."Negative Man!" NEGATIVE MAN. His amazing powers allows him to find fault in everything he see's and hears. NEGATIVE MAN. Able to crush hopes and dreams with a single word! NEGATIVE MAN. Eats more chicken than a man's ever seen! Since last weeks column negative man put his amazing powers to work. Realizing he hasn't reached his full financial potential, he springs into action by interviewing for a new job. With amazing confidence, he gets hired! Marvel at Negative man as he triples his income in a single week! I got a new job as a quality assurance advisor for a manufacturing company here in the shitty town of Omaha, NE. All I have to do, is walk around and see how the idiots at work are doing their jobs in an inefficient manner. Then I set them straight. They're all worthless and week and do shitty jobs, chasing their tails at every turn. So I make more money now and bought me a new house. The apartment I had sucked. I move in next weekend, so this weeks article may be shorter than usual, on account of the move. But who the hell cares anyway, nobody reads this crap. Our society is too stupid to appreciate the genius of the "Ask Bob" commentary. We live in a world of morons. Any society that allows a movie like "Top Gun" to be a box office smash, must be sick. We even allowed the Supreme Court to insert a dim-witted, ex-cocaine user, and alcoholic into the Oval Office. What do we do? Nothing. Perhaps he's less dim-witted than the average human. Why else would we allow the constitution to be trampled on, by ignoring the popular vote. Anything to get into office I guess. And what ever happened to that big emergency war with Iraq? How come the President isn't on TV every day trying to talk us into approving of a war? Oh yeah, I remember. It's election time! He's all over the country playing politics. I guess that big war isn't all that much of an emergency after all. There's always next week. I guess when he's tired of playing politics he'll go back to playing war and screwing up the economy. I was flipping through channels instead of packing boxes like I should, and I see some country-bumpkin singin', "Where were you when the world stopped turning - boo, hoo, hoo, la-di-da." A song about the 9-11. The worst attempt of self-promotion I've ever seen. Using the deaths of city-slickers to become popular. I wonder if he's keeping the money from record sales or if he's donating it to NY or to victims, or to the homeland security? No matter, he's a jerk anyway. And a country-bumpkin to boot. Aren't country folks the type that dance around burning crosses at night and beat gay people to death. Terrorism is an act that prevents citizens from living their normal lives - free of fear. If this is the case, than shouldn't the rules used to round up Al Quada, be used to round up other terrorists, like the KKK and Skin-heads. What-ever happened to that war on Terrorists? I guess we failed, so the President try's to distract us with a new threat, "Showdown Iraq!" That's what CNN calls it. But if they are not being the aggressors and we just go in and attack, because we think they might be building up arms to attack us, doesn't that make it more of an invasion? If they showed aggression toward the U.S. then it would be selft defense. The UN is gonna keep a close tab on Iraq and it looks like Bush is gonna entertain the UN by cooperating. But I'm sure whatever happens, it'll end up with us dropping bombs. George Carlin said it best when he said, "If you have brown skin, eventually we will drop bombs on you. You may not know why, and we may not have a reason, but eventually it will happen." At the time he was commenting on Vietnam, but I think it still applies today. If the fear of terrorists convinces us to "crack down" on Iraq. Does that mean we are reacting out of fear? Don't the terrorists want us to react out of fear? Does that mean the terrorists have won by making our own aggressive behavior work against us? What if the Al Quada has had trouble recruiting Countries, and people in the numbers they need? If we invade a Middle Eastern Country without a justified reason, wouldn't that be just the push that some folks would need to join the terrorists? Hmmm, could it be that the President is an unwitting patsy of a terrorist recruitment scheme? Who knows? I'm tired of asking questions. I just realized, I didn't talk with God! Now that I think about it, I guess it was just a check-out guy at Baker's who was telling me to stop fucking around because it took me 15 minutes to write a check in the express lane. I just thought it was God, on account of his loud voice. And now you know!
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