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Ask Bob!
Ask Bob! - 10/18/02
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
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Song in my head:
All I want to do is make love to you,
blah, blah, blah.
- Heart -
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR:
Bob is currently in the hospital getting some kind of operation. We don't know exactly what is wrong, nor do we
care; however, we believe it is a direct result of his "Blowin' out the Calories"
diet. We suggest you do not try it! Since he's currently on heavy drugs, we appologize for the following since
it probably doesn't make any sense at all. Here are some of the bizarre email letters that he gets each week, and
appropriately ignores.
These letters are presented as we recieved them. Some are poor excuses for a short story, some are questions, some
are just stupid:
Dear Bob, what is your home life like?
This can best be answered by describing what happened yesterday:
I got home from work and caught the wife was tromping around the house in her shoes! She was neither in the kitchen
or pregnant, and to top it all off - she was wearing her shoes in the house! Naturally this drove me into an uncontrollable
rage, as we screamed at each other for hours on end. Finally, I just decided to leave!
"I'm splittin'! You hear me! SPLITTIN'!" I yelled as I walked out the door.
"If you walk out that door, don't bother coming back!" she screamed as I slammed the trailer screen door
shut and got into my Ford Festiva.
"If you come back, I'm gonna love you like a biker-chick should!" she screamed as I struggled to start
the Festiva.
I looked around and saw all the neighborhood pimps and crack-whores staring in our direction. Great! My wife went
and made a big scene in front of the whole neighborhood.
I never did get the car started, but it still managed to tip over and crush a local rat. Apparently I have Firestone
tires. I looked at the crushed rat, and its tail was poking out from under the Festiva. A little cockroach was
pulling a gold ring off the rats tail. You see in my neighborhood, the rats, roaches and the waterbugs - they are
hustlers, baby.
I went back inside and me and my wife made wild monkey-love.
A Story from eazeymac@yahoo.com
I woke up late for class because i was struggling with nightmares and i couldnt wake up. Anyway i woke up finally
and medicine that i have been taking makes my piss turn a really bright orange color and if it gets on the floor,
there is just no getting it back up. so i woke up and realized that i was out of soft drinks and soup. so i went
to the local convenience store and picked up these items. i came home and gorged myself on dr. peppers and a huge
can of vegetable soup. so i was eating the soup with crackers because all of my silver ware was unavailable. i
was eating so fast because i was starving. and it hit me, that medicine causes me to have really loose orange stool
as well, and i started to percolate. but i was still really hungry and thirsty so i kept eating and drinking but
i began to evacuate orange matter. i only made it to the bath tub and after a while it looked like i was bathing
in jello. and then i decided it was best to go back to bed.
jeff
I get a funny feeling Jeff talks really, really fast.
Extraham writes:
I dont know when this happened but in school i learned that this guy ate only been sprouts and water. Heres where
this story gets interesting, he had his door and windows closed one night when he went to bed and the next morning
his friend found him dead. it turns out because of his diet he farted himself to death lol thats a shame.
Even with this warning, Bob still tries his Blowin' out the Calories diet a week later.
Amanda Brown Tells this tale:
Once upon a time there was a little pig who got his head blown off and it fell back on and he survived through
the handy work of the castle sewing mistress. the end
It's good to tell a story without wasting any time!
By Wherami@bored.com:
well it all statrted a year ago. You see i was about to go to sleep and uh this thing shoed up. white eyes pointy
teeth like those evil dead films but these things where real. all summer they came. My freind laura saw them to.
so i was not crazy. Short grey and annoying. Fast as they could be. I used to use incence to make them go away.
One night they got to strong. Had top do a spell to make um leave. Bad mistake. you see something else came out
something much worse. Now a days i help people with sdemons and fight for my very soul. Im telling the truth. Someone
please belive me
http://Bunny.earthsucks.com
http://www.boredmail.com
I think I saw Prince working at a Burger King in Omaha, Ne. I don't
know what happened to the Revolution.
Steve Morris writes:
my name is katherine my best friend dawn who husband is in a band called ritual7 he is the guitar player for the
band ,they were in arizona doing a show well they went back to there hotel room around 2am the husband went to
the bathroom dawn was watching tv on the bed, the phone rung she picked up the phone said hello no one said anything
she did not think nothing about it a few seconds later the phone rung again she picked up the phone all she could
hear was heavy breathing on the other end ,thinking it was the other guys in the band out drinking or something
she said ok guys i know who you are than she hung the phone up. she went back to watching tv a few seconds went
by the phone rung again she quickly picked up the phone, this time the person on the other end said in a deep voice
go look in your closet and than with a eerie laugh, she went a got her husband she told him what had happened he
went to closet grabbed the doornob slung the door open and there was some rope tied to a bloodly knife hanging
and a rose duct taped to the wall they still couldnt figure out who called or how those things got there the end.
Gotta Go Now, I hear the Ding, Ding Man!
And now you know!
COMING NEXT: It's the beggining
of a new day!
Email Bob!
webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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