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Ask Bob!
"What comes up, got to come down, spinnin' wheel, all around..." - Blood Sweat and Tears - For those who have sent email questions that have gone unanswered, they still are. But next time I will unlock all the mysteries of the universe - really, next time. A few weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to eat a bunch of them O'leans - get the anal leakage - and then use tampons to seal it up. This way I would know what it's like to be a woman without having to go to prison. Then, when the old lady says, "You don't know what its like...!" I say, "Yes - I do!!!" Them tampons really hurt gettin' - in. I ended using a lubricant made of mayo and water, and just dug it right in - corkscrew style. Seemed to work ok, but it slowed me down a bit and I didn't get to the bus stop on time, so I ended up late for work. Then after a few hours it started to smell funny. One of the ladies at work was nice enough to introduced me to maxi-pads, them is a lot less painful. That day, at work, we got a free salad lunch delivered. Nobody seemed to want the broccoli and cauliflower, so I ate all of them two veggies, 'cause they happen to be my favorite. In the midst of the green and white feeding frenzy, I forgot that broccoli and cauliflower gives me a powerful gas. Toward the end of the frenzy I remembered what happened the last time I ate that fatal combo. Then I forgot again. A few hours later, those veggies started gothic something fierce in my intestines and I got a big high pressure gas situation combined with the O'lean leakage that created some sort of death spray that I couldn't control. It was a little messy, but all in all, with the pressure that built up and the extra pounds that shot out, I think I stumbled upon a great diet that I now call "Blowin' out the Calories." The next day I went to work on my new diet plan. Since O'leans are hard to come by, I replaced that with two veggie burgers combined with a pound of broccoli and cauliflower. I gave the new diet a try and headed downtown to find a sponsor for new diet! I headed down to the local health store to see if they would sponsor my great money-makin' idea. On the way my stomach was guthin' up another painful fart. The pain was so immense, I buckled up and fell face down with my booty up in the air, ready for the big release. Before long a crowd gathered around me, but I didn't care. I was waiting for the sweet release and would untie the knots in my stomach. It just so happens that this happened outside the "GMWA ." For those who don't know, the GMWA is a new urban hip-hop organization which consists of some pretty-mean-lookin' down-town characters. Officially it stands for "Gay Men With Attitudes." Well the whole bunch went outside to see what the commotion was. Well when they saw my lying down in front of the center with my ass in the air, they thought I was makin' some sort of "anti-gay" demonstration and got all worked up and proceeded to kickin' and punchin' me from all sides. With my stomach all knotted up, I couldn't move or talk, so I just lay there and took the beating. With the additional aggravation of the kicks, I let out an atomic-projectile fart that blew a hole in the thin fabric of my khaki pants and sprayed the whole crowd with a sweet combination of interstitial fluid and human waste. The crowd quickly dispersed and I was free to go. I didn't get the big diet-deal, but tomorrow is another day! And now you know! COMING NEXT: I finally get to all that mail! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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