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Ask Bob!
"The freaks come out at night, the freaks come out at niiiight!" - Whoodini - Well last week I thought I'd save some money by cutting back on a few needless expenses, one of them being tampons. Then the ol' lady started carryin' on and cryin' about how I don't know what it's like to be a woman. As I sat in the corner, I thought about what them womens is goin through and I came up with a solution to help me better understand. I did a search on the Internet and found a web site that sold O'leans. Them is the potato chips that are famous for causing "anal leakage." My idea was, if I ate enough of them O'leans then I would get a bunch of leakage happenin'. Then I would put ordinary paper towels in my underwear and prove to the 'ol lady that there was no need for them feminine products while learning what it was like to be a woman. Two birds, one stone! I got me a box of 'em on-line and anxiously awaited the order! On Friday the order was delivered to the house and I ate four bags of O'leans and washed 'em down with no-name beer...but nothing happened. But that's ok, 'cause the next day I forgot all about my experiment. I was goin' with the ol' lady to a gig. She was doin' a wedding (she's a musician and makes money from these type of deals). I was as giddy as a little school girl to go to the wedding, but I needed a haircut, so I went down to "Cut and Curl" nice and early. Everybody's gettin' their head shaved these days, so I thought I would too and look nice and hip. Her gig was at noon, which meant she needed to leave at 11:30; which meant I had to be home by 11:15 to be on time. I got to Cut and Curl by 10:00 am, but everybody, at the haircut place, was working on someone. After about 15 minutes, I started gettin nervous about getting finished on time. I really want to be on time! Then while I was lookin' at the hair care products, I noticed that the lady that was given some lady a perm, left her station for a minute and the lady with tin-foil in her hair had her eyes closed. That's when I noticed that the hair cut lady had a timer set for twenty-five minutes. So I eased on down and put that timer on 15 minutes, that way I would get my hair cut ten minutes earlier and get home in time for the gig. Ten minutes later the timer bell went off. The ladies looked surprised but didn't question it, and wrapped up the perm. Before you knew it, my hair was a gettin' clipped. She had trimmed one half of my head when my stomach started guthin' up somethin' fierce! It was a rumblin' and a grumblin' and I felt a pressure in my lower abdomen that I didn't know what was gonna happen, but whatever it was it felt like it was gonna be a big one! I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't stand it anymore and I sat up, dropped a twenty on the counter and told the lady that I had to go...IT WAS AN EMERGENCY! I ran to the car and sat down and let out a big rippin' fart that lasted for at least two minutes. I was just giving a sigh of relief when I felt an ooze start coming out of the rectal area with no abandon. The O'leans were starting to do their stuff. I WAS SOOOO HAPPY!!! I tried to drive home nice and quick but every time I turned a corner, I would slid from one side of the seat to the other, so I had to slow down...I had a real grease bucket in my shorts. When I got home, I ran to the bathroom to check out the underwear...with...anticipation. They were covered with a clear light brown slim that smelled like potato chips. I thought I could just use paper towels to absorb the mess, but there was so much I had to grab one of Baby Girl's Pampers and taped it to my underwear with electrical tape. Those Pampers are really absorbent and really soaked up that slim! So now I'm sittin' at my ol' ladies gig with a head that's half shaved, ooze comin' out my ass with a big bulge in my booty where the Diaper is, and I smell like dirty potatoes. I guess I won't be impressing anyone tonight. And now you know! COMING NEXT: I tell you my big dream so you can analyze it like a psychiatrist! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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