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Ask Bob!
"We pay our debts on time. We pay our debts on time.." - Nirvana - I used to read your commentary every Friday at work, now it's never there! Your late! SLACKER! What gives? When I first started this commentary, I was single and got drunk or what-not every night. The ol' lady was in college and my job was just to pay the rent. I never got a job in my major (I have a degree in Science), but my job now (In computers) is a career choice. My job before was just to pay the rent. Likewise, my wife is done with school and she's working within her major. And we are now married with Baby-Girl. So I have less time to work on the commentary because family comes first. I'M A FAMILY MAN - SO FUCK YA'ALL. Speaking of family, I just took my vacation, the first half I spent with my wife and baby, then the second half I spent with just Baby-Girl, cause our daycare is not available three days before school starts. The ol' lady said this was "our special bonding time." That's what she called it. I called it a babysitting gig. The first half of my vacation I spent in a drunken stupor then came Sunday - the holy day. I thought I would spend it watching gospel TV while my wife was at church. I got drunk while watching "Benny Hinn" on the Gospel channel. He's a healer. When he waves at someone they get healed of "whatever ails 'em" and then they fall right down. I took a gulp of beer each time he made someone fall down, which got really hard because sometimes he'd wave at a big group of people and they'd all go falling over. But I still kept up because I'm a trooper! It's too bad he wasn't around during biblical times, 'cause the Jesus only healed one at a time. If he was around he could show the Jesus how it's really done. Then came the babysitting gig. You know John Lennon took ten years off of work to raise his boy, and he was pretty cool. So I figure I could do the same thing for three days, 'cause I get bored easy. But I think that's normal for a guy. Guys will put a kid on their lap and make baby-sounds for about...oh, 4 minutes. Then we're done. We're bored - time to watch ESPN. Ladies; however, will hover over a baby forever, and like it. I guess that's why they're called moms. Hats off to all moms! (Ok, women have to stop reading here - guys, continue on...) This next section is for guys who get stuck (I mean blessed) with a baby and have to watch it - unsupervised for days on end. I think I figured out the secret to carin' for babies without turmoil. Most important, don't feed 'em right away after they wake up. This is the first thing a breast-feeding-woman does. Do not imitate the woman. Her ways are not your ways young grasshopper. If you try to feed a breast-feed-baby with a bottle, they'll just get pissed. Do other stuff, but don't try to feed 'em. Bathe 'em, change 'em, read 'em a story, take 'em for a walk...anything. You gotta keep 'em occupied 'cause if you try to feed them right off the bat, they'll realize they are not being breast fee and get pissed. And who can blame them. If I lived by sucking on big roung breasts, I'd get pissed too if someone tried to change the routine. If they normally eat every two hours, wait for three, then feed 'em. They'll get so hungry they'll eat without a fuss. Then they go right to sleep, cause you wore them out with the activities. It's pretty much a continuous cycle. Wake up - Play/Activities - Feed - Sleep. Compare this to the Womans cycle: Wake up - Feed - Play - Sleep. See? Different. Never act tired. The baby will sense this and never sleep. You have to act like you have endless energy, the kid will give up before you. When they sleep - catch a power nap if your really tired. Niquil or beer really help a young one get to sleep. Baby's learn from watching. Sit them in a chair and let them watch you work (this is an activity to keep them from remembering they are starving). Since I have a girl, I did dishes and laundry 'cause when she grows up, I will expect her to do those chores. If you have a boy, work on your car, chop wood, let them sit on the lawn mover while you cut the grass. This way they will learn the ways of the world. And now you know! COMING NEXT: I eat the kitty. Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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