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Ask Bob!
Hey Bob! How's life with the baby? I got sick of the baby real fast. Let me explain: Just the other day the ol' lady had to go out of town for a gig (she's a musician). So I got to stay home all by my lonesome - just me and the baby. This seemed really scary 'cause I've never been left home by myself before. The ol' lady pumps about a liter of breast milk, and I lock all the doors 'n windows to make sure me and the baby was nice and safe. The ol' lady drilled me for hours by pretending she was a stranger and asking me to let her in from outside. I said no every time - except when she said she had an ice cream cone for me and if I didn't let her in, it would melt. I opened the door that time, but it was a trick question and I don't think it should count. So I got Baby Girl sittin' on my knee while I sings ol' McDonald. She's smiling, making little baby sounds and I'm just a bouncing her up and down on my knee. Then I smells something rank and I look over to my bouncing knee. Each time Baby Girl lands on my knee an ounce of green poo squirts out the back of her diaper, onto my knee, and runs down my leg. So I take her to the changing table and get her cleaned up nice and good, but before I can get the diaper back on, a line of green goey baby-poo starts running out of her butt like a play-doh factory. I lift her legs up and let it roll onto the table like a heap of runny dog poop. Then I get a cloth diaper to clean the mess off the table with one hand, while I wipe it up with the other hand. It was a good plan! Only old-faithful hadn't finished and another gush of poo ran onto my hand while I was wiping the first heap off the table. Now I'm cleaning poo from between my fingers, and cleanin' up Baby Girl. I put her in the crib and clean up the changing table and some poop that ran off my leg and onto the carpet. By the time I finish all this, Baby Girl is screaming like I just dropped her on the floor. So I feed her and rock her to sleep like a good dad should. Sounds simple but it took about two hours and I had to go to the bathroom the whole time, but I didn't dare put her down, because if you put her down too soon she'll wake up and never go back to sleep. Finally the ol' girl is asleep and don't have to go anymore. Dyin' for a cigarette, I decided to make sure Baby Girl is set up, so I clip the baby monitor on my belt just like my wife showed me. But then I thought, "What if the baby wakes up and don't cry? What if she wakes up hungry, and don't cry? How would I know? Then the answer comes to me plain and simple. I get a tube sock and tie the bottle onto the crib, so it faces the baby inside. This way if she gets hungry she'll crawl to the bottle and drink just like a gerbil. She don't crawl yet, but I figure if she's hungry enough she'll learn. Finally, I'm on the balcony with some smokes. All I got is matches, and they're old Betsy-Baker brand, so I can't get 'em lit. The head of the match is rubbin' gainst the paper-flint thingy, but no sparks! So I gotta push down real hard on the head of the match with my finger to get it to light. It lights! But when it flares-up, it burns the crap out of my finger. I drop the match and my finger goes right in my mouth. Eventually, I smoke that cigarette and go back in and watch tv while sucking on my burnt finger. I get hungry for cereal, but the only milk we got is the milk my wife pumped. We got powder formula as a back up, so I go ahead and have fruit loops with breast milk. Right now I got a horrible illness with a fever. Turns out, I forgot to wash my hands after cleaning up that nasty baby poop. My fingers still had poop in the nooks, crannies and fingernails. Then when I burned my finger, I stuck it in my mouth. Afterwards, I sucked on that poop-soaked finger for half an hour or so. I ended up with a stomach flu that very night. So as you can see, I got sick from the baby real fast. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Jimmy cracks corn - and I care! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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