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Ask Bob!
"If that litt-o sucka shows up, I'll bust his head!" - Southside Johnny and the Ashbury Jukes - I remember promising to tell you about something, but I just can't remember what. So I check my phone bill today and couldn't help but notice it was as much as a car payment. So I check the itemized section and it turns out that my wife got a call from the phone company to set us up with some extra services. Now if I remember right, when we moved from Omaha to Florida the phone company was US West, but when we moved back to Omaha it changed to US Qwest. It was confusing at first, but I got used to it. I ask my wife and she says she got a telemarketing call to add voice messaging, caller ID, call waiting, a distinguished ring, a cell phone, and some other service I don't know what it is. She says its free for the first three months. I check the bill and its around $250. Apparently they decided to charge us for setting up all the "free services" and then they went ahead and charged us a fee for using the "free services." Which, as a matter of fact, just happens to be the same amount as the services. So I call 'em up piping mad and say I wanna cancel, and their telemarketing schemes are misleading and rotten. It turns out that there is a "change of service fee," which means it cost more money to cancel the services. I let it all hang out and scream into the phone, "Garsh-darn, diddily - this ain't fair!" The operator assured me that it was in fact - very fair. I said ok, and now I'm on the phone with the bank trying to set up a loan to pay off the fees for the services that I don't have. As soon as I get off the phone, I get another call from the QS West telemarketing center. They say they heard that I was unhappy with telemarketing calls and for just $33.50 a month I can get a device that screens those pesky calls for me. So the phone company harasses me with telemarketing calls and for a reasonable fee, they will stop. This sounds similar to a venture that my uncle Sotto runs. For a reasonable fee, his "boys" won't break your legs. Don't get me wrong I don't hate telemarketers, I just hate the companies they work for because they suck. I have first hand knowledge of this because I had a job selling long distance services over the phone. I followed all the rules they gave me, and hounded people endlessly until they hung up on me. I never got any sales. They said, "Just keep trying and don't take no for an answer!" They even gave me scripts that told me what to say if someone said something original, like - "I'm not interested." Still no sales. Then one day, just for shits-and-giggles I decided to imitate "Big Gay Al." He's a character from the "South Park" cartoon. I have nothing against gay folks, but that character talks funny - so I imitated him. I'd start my call with: "Hello, Mr. ____, how are you today?" Then after they answer, I'd say, "I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, I'M SO GLAD I CALLED YOU TODAY!!!" If they asked how I was, I'd say in my gayest of gay voices, "I'M JUST SUPER!!! THANKS FOR ASKING!!!" I tried my best to sound "prissy" in everything I said. Oddly enough - I got tons of sales. But I couldn't keep it up for long because gay people are really polite and I'm an asshole. Eventually I got fired. And now you know! COMING NEXT: I decide to condone smoking - but smoking what? Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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