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Ask Bob!
"So why don't we just get drunk, and screw." - Jimmy Buffett - RockSolidHawk949 asks: Are you stupid? Are you married? How many kids do you have? How many time did you make love?? Dear RockSolidHawk949, You shure axe a lot of kwestions! Axeually I not stupid at all and yes i married. Since I used to be a truck driver in the mid-nineties, I really don't know how many kids I have, but I do have a burning sensation when I urinate. Funny you should ask about making love. A month ago, me and my old lady had a baby girl, that I have named "Baby-girl." Since we have a kitty named "Kitty," it seemed like a natural progression. Any ways, after the baby was born, the old lady had trouble breast feeding. That's the craze these days, they say boob feeding grows healthy children, although when I was a kid my mom just fed us Carnation Pet Milk and we turned out just fine. So my wife starts the breast feeding and the baby doesn't take to it right away. Then her girls start "chugging-out" huge volumes of milk. Only problem is the other girl don't want to drink - she wants a bottle. So the twins get bigger and bigger and bigger. Soon the old lady gets "porno-breasts." She sees the lactose consultant and the lactose consultant says she should put cabbage on her giant boobs, put warm rags on her boobs and message them so the Baby-girl can get milk. So she's really tired one night and she's says, "I'm really tired. Would you mind messaging my breasts?" So I look at those triple D's and think, "My god, I've waited all my life for a woman to ask me that." So I lunge forward in full groping mode only to find that those lovely ladies have the consistency of two tightly clenched buttocks! I'm not a fancy-lad! I don't want to feel tightly clenched buttocks! SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME!!! So being a manly-man, I get to groping - or messaging and my hands get really tired and my fingers start to swell. Then my ring finger starts to hurt and I take my ring off and put it in my pants pocket. Finishing my manly duties, I go to the balcony to have a cigarette. I smoke outside so I don't give Baby-girl second hand smoke. I'm sitting on the balcony and the ring falls out of my loose khaki pants. I wear loose pants now, because I was in competition with my wife when she was pregnant and it's uncomfortable to wear jeans. Since my pants are loose, the ring falls right out of my pocket onto the balcony floor and clings and clangs down to the balcony below us. Now I go down and knock on the "Crack Heads" door who lives below us. I tell him that a gold ring fell onto his balcony and he goes darting to the balcony to swipe it. I follow, only to find that it fell through his floor onto the balcony below him. He runs out the door to go downstairs and get he ring so he can pawn it and get another fix. Thinking fast, I crawl out to the balcony ledge and hang down to get to that balcony below and get the ring lickity-split-just-like-that. Only I'm overweight and when I try to swing myself to land on the next balcony, I can't go far enough and my feet hit balcony ledge and I fall down to the bushes below. Lucky for me, I had a cigarette in my mouth, which helped break my fall. Just as I landed, I saw the "Crack Head" run onto the balcony (which is now above me). His foot knocks the ring as he enters and it falls right on my big belly. I enter our apartment with my wedding ring victoriously and we make love like two freaks on ecstasy at the end of a rave party. And now you know! COMING NEXT: Oh yeah, that Telemarketing thing! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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