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	Lunatic Ravings Maculate Conception Ask Bob Chick Shit for Chick Chicks Ask Bob A Question! Ask Bob 2002 Visit the Archives!! Join Us!		Ask Bob! Ask Bob! - 04/19/02 By Bob Senitram Published each Friday Song in my head: "All we are is... Another brick in the wall..." - Pink Floyd - Every morning I like to have two cups of strong coffee while I watch 1/2 an hour of morning news on CNN. Then I have a nice steaming bowl of Kibbles N' Bits micro-waved in milk for two minutes, toped with maple syrup. Good stuff. It has to be REAL MAPLE SYRUP. When I was first married, my wife tried to pass that Aunt Jemima crap on me - no deal, it's gotta be the real deal. <--- building rapport I used to watch local news in the morning but the local news lady always looked like she was hung over, for some reason that bothered me. She's pasty-white with giant rings under her eyes. Maybe she's a fundamentalist and isn't allowed to wear make-up, or maybe she parties a lot with the TV executives and doesn't have to look good and be alert. I don't know. Her sloppy appearance isn't what made me switch to CNN. What really made me turn the channel, were the stupid things she would do off camera. How do I know what she did off camera, you may ask? I'll explain. After the other reporter finishes, the camera would pull away to show both reporters. Then they cut to a commercial. Every time the camera pulled back she'd would be picking at her eyelashes, or she'd have a finger in her ear. She paid so little attention to what was going on, she never really knew when the camera was going to pull back. One time she was filing her fingernails when the camera pans back. Stupid. <--- personal opinion So now I'm watching The Paula Zahn news lady, and last Friday she's interviewing an Israeli representative about Israel not pulling out of Palestine as fast as President Bush wanted them too. He says, "Sharon say's, '...don't worry, we'll pull out in time.'" I don't know about you, but in my experience, every time I said, "...I'll pull out just in time," I never really meant it. Oh, by the way, my wife is gonna have a baby in a month...I'm not sure of the due-date, but I'm pretty sure it's a Thursday. I got the next couple of Thursdays off work and I bought a pacifier, so I'm nice and ready. <--- cheap joke Then The Paula Zahn asks the guy she's interviewing, "Do think Sharon's delay to pull out of Palestine makes the President look impotent?" Then they take to a commercial and it's a commercial about Viagra. Hmmm. I think to myself. The next Monday morning I'm watching the news and The Paula Zahn asks the same question to an American guy. Then they cut to another Viagra commercial. Coincidence? I think not! Looks like to me she's plugging sponsors into the news. Well isn't that nice. I guess this will become the new trend. I can just imagine... Paula: "We take you now to Tom Rubin who is reporting live from Cuba where an escaped Al Qiada has just been captured!" Tom: "Thank you Paula, If you look at the bottom right side of the screen you can see the soldiers handcuffing him now!" Paula: "Tom, how does he look? Does he look like he's been tortured, does he just look tired and hungry? What's your perspective?" Tom: "Well Paula he definitely looks tired and thirsty! What he needs is an ice cold Pepsi!" <--- punch line Paula: (laughing) "Don't we all! In fact all this reporting has made me thirsty...I'm going to enjoy the delicious and refreshing taste that can only be found in an ice cold bottle of Pepsi Cola - right now!" Tom: "Me too!" <--- repeating the same punch line over and over just like Saturday Night Live Anyway, I'm sure that's how it'll be in the future, so remember...you heard it first on TheWeirdcrap.com. <--- shameless plug So about that mid east thing...simple really. No need to worry about "He should've done this, and he should've done that." The bottom line is, the entire population of both countries have hated each other for several generations and it'll take several generations for it to fade away from the two societies. So what to do now? <--- transition from joke to commentary First, we gotta cut off Israel. We give them six billion dollars per year, which they use to finance military aggressions. We could better spend that money here at home. I say just cut them off, no debate or discussions. Then we drag Sharon to an international court to stand trial for his crimes against Palestine...the court will examine the evidence and decide if he is a war criminal or not - just like Milosevic. Second, the United Nations will have to build a wall (similar to the Berlin wall), to separate the two countries. They can go ahead and use that 1967 agreement. Next they will need a guard tower about every 100 yards. Also, twenty feet from the wall they need a barbed-wire fence. Half the UN Peacekeeping Guards need to be from Arab nations - they will watch the Palestine side of the wall. The other half will be UN non-Arab countries - they patrol the Israel side. The orders will be simple. Anyone who passes the barbed wire fence will be shot on site. Without funding, Israel's military aggression will be limited, and if they penetrate the wall they would be at risk of being totally occupied by UN forces. Similarly, suicide bombers won't get close enough to the wall to damage anything but themselves. They would also be more hesitant to shoot an Arab, than a non-Arab. A military action by Palestinian to penetrate the wall, will also result in occupation by Arab UN forces. In fifty years, future generations will see how silly the wall and the war is - and stop acting like animals. COMING NEXT: My Grandma's campaign to end "silliness." Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com     Send Email Archives

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