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Ask Bob!
"Hot town summer-in-the-city, back o' my neck gettin' dirty and gritty...." - The Lovin' Spoonfuls - First I would like to express my sympathy to Jon Stephenson who recently lost his kitty "Spaz." Jon has been a loyal visitor to TheWeirdcrap since the beginning and we enjoy his emails and were happy to post his Ode to Spaz. Well last week I was in a foul mood because of the kid that threw poop on my shoes, but I saw a Pea-sci-ki-a-trist and I'm feeling much better now! They made me visit him at work, because I'm cautious about catching colds. Which was pretty cool because I've been fired from other jobs for the same thing. During the winter time, I used to use paper towels to open doors. Now I wear rubber gloves at work. I figure people sneeze into thier hands then touch door handles, then I use the door and end up sick. I also used to stick toilet paper up my nose, to work as a filter, to keep germs out of my system. Now I use masks to ventilate the germs. I also soak my feet in warm water during breaktime. I just fill up the breakroom sink with warm water, take my shoes off and dunk my feet in. I figure keeping warm is good for the system and would keep we out of harms way. Then I get called to the bosses office. I put on my gloves and go to see him. He gives me an address of someone I have to visit, he says it's for my health - so I go. Turns out it was a Pea-sci-ki-a-trist who wants me to speak my feeliin's about this and that. He says I'm a-scarred about gettin' sick because I got one of those "Complex's" that all the kids sing about on the radio these days. So he gives me these exercises to do. When something is not "just the way I want it," I'm supposed to DEMAND satisfaction! So I'm eating a bologna sandwich at work, and it tastes kinda "fishy-shrimpy." So I put the sandwich down on the table and start yelling at it, "I DEMAND YOU TASTE BETTER!" I scream. I take another bite. "I DEMAND YOU TASTE BETTER!" I scream again. Still fishy. Anyway this went on until I finished the sandwich. It never got better, so I went home and told my wife. She looks on the counter, then in the garbage. "Did you use the sandwich bag on the counter?" she asks. "Why yes I did." I reply. "That's the bag I used to store the Friskies - Kitty Teasers. But I feed them all to the cat. You must have tasted the cat food." So that "Demanding" stuff was all bunk. I came to the conclusion that Pea-sci-ki-a-trist's are full of shit. But I gotta keep going to keep my job. At least now I know. And now you know too. COMING NEXT: I reveal my plan to bring peace to the Middle East. Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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