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Ask Bob!
"Just a couple of boys, from the neighborhood..." - Dukes of Hazard Theme (I don't know who sings it) - Mr. Smitty from Seattle asks: As you know it was St. Patty's day this weekend. As usual, I visited my mom's the day before and had our traditional corned beef and cabbage, followed by green beer. My question is, why does cooked cabbage smell like crap...at best a bad fart? I really want to know! Mr. Smitty: The answer to your question is quite simple. The whole circumstance reminds me of when me and Stephen shared an duplex after the collapse of TheWeirdcrap.com. I came home to quite a horrible surprise one day. Let me explain. We lived on 12th Street. Between 12th and 13th Streets was an apartment building. I found that if I drive through the apartment's parking lot instead of driving all way around the block, I could shave 36 seconds off my busy schedule. Further more, if I floored it through the 120 foot lot, I could reach a top speed of 47 miles per hour. On average I would save about 3/4ths of a second by driving nice and quick. With that extra 36.75 seconds, I get inside 36.75 seconds earlier! Which means I would be able to open a beer, turn on the TV, and not even miss the theme song to the "Dukes of Hazard!" Or, if I had chores to do inside I could get started and finish just that much sooner! The possibilities were endless, so I made it part of my daily routine. One day I was speeding in that parking lot, when some stupid kid riding his bicycle got in my way. I didn't want to loose that 36.75 seconds in my busy day, so I went ahead and ran him over. That was a bad decision because apparently his shirt got caught in my bumper and I dragged him right into the parking lot. Lucky for me, my car is red and blood didn't show. Some splattered on the passenger's side hub cap. I had to think fast! I tore the kids shirt off and cleaned off my car. This only took about 15 seconds so I was still 21.75 seconds ahead! I had no time to loose...I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE MY PRECIOUS TIME! But, as fate would have it, I noticed a horrible sound blasting out of the basement. I listened closer. It was the C.C. Music Factory singing, "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!" This was the horrible surprise of which I spoke of before. I knew just what was going on inside. I rushed to the back door only to see Stephen, running out of the basement with an "afro-wig" on. Yup, he was "break-dancing" on the air hockey game again! I rushed to the basement only to find the game broken with bent legs. I immediately confronted Stephen: "Heh, heh...uuuhh, that must have been someone else." he said while pulling off electrical tape that held hockey pucks to his feet. I threw my hands in the air and went in the front room to watch the "Dukes of Hazard." Thanks to Stephen, I missed the theme song. All which goes to prove that Stephen is an untrustworthy, lying bastard. Because of this I am quit certain that the smelly cabbage problem is somehow Stephen's fault. And now you know. COMING NEXT: BOB AND STEPHEN'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION - Really. Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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