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Ask Bob!
"There is a house in New Orleans, They call the Rising Sun..." - The Animals - As you may know, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska. Well if this is the first time you've read "Ask Bob," I'm from Omaha. There now you know. This week the weather people said that we'd get 12 inches of snow on Friday. Which I thought was cool because I stock up on beer on Thursdays to avoid the Friday rush at the supermarket. I was all set for a day of beer drinking, TV and Videos. Then Jerome knocks on my door. He explains his big money makin' idea: Recently, he bought a chain saw. His plan was to go around the neighborhood and chop down trees with his new saw, and break it down in small bundles. Most places sell firewood for $2.99. He would sell it for $1.99. Since he's just chopping down trees in the neighborhood, it's 100% profit. Then he would sell it at the grocery store. He wanted me to go out wrap the wood up in bundles while he chopped, but I wouldn't have anything to do with it. Too much work. The storm didn't show up 'til Friday night, and even then it was only about 5 inches of snow. But I don't care. I got the day off 'cause of the big storm. I end up drunk by noon playing the PlayStation. I like Grand Turismo cause I can drink and drive and not even get in trouble. The only bad thing is I really suck at video games. I'm crashing into everything. Then the most horrible thing imaginable happens! I run out of beer. You see on Thursday I bought enough for Friday night, but didn't get enough for a whole Friday. I only live two blocks away from the store, but I'm a-scarred to drive to the store. It's the video game, I'm crashing so much I think I shouldn't drink and drive. Tipper Gore would be proud. I'm pretty sure there's no law about drinkin' and drivin' a bicycle, so I get my wife's bicycle from the balcony (I was too lazy to put it in the garage). It's got a nice pretty basket on the handlebars with plastic flowers, which is just perfect for a 12 pack of beer. I was bundled up nice and good with a ski mask over my face so my face wouldn't get frostbite. On the ride to the store I notice every other tree on the way is chopped down. I figure Jerome got caught and is probably in jail. To my surprise, when I get to the store there's Jerome, selling firewood out the back of his truck for $1.99. I don't pay it any mind because I'm freezing and just want to get inside. My hands are especially cold. I probably should have worn gloves. I go to the store-bank to get cash, my hands are real cold so I keep them in my jacket pockets to warm 'em up. My ears are kinda' ringing 'cause of the cold, so I guess I was talking nice and loud when I told the teller, "I NEED CASH!" The teller eyes get big and wide as she looks down toward my hands in my jacket. She starts dumping cash into a nice cloth sack and slaps it on the counter. I couldn't help but notice how smartly the cloth sack closed with a nice secure zipper. Then I remember, "…don't you want my…" I reach to my back pocket to get the ATM card out of my back pocket. "Don't shoot! She yells. "HERE JUST TAKE IT!" She pushes the bag toward me. So I take it. Don't want to make waves at the bank, they are my friends. But I just can't figure out how she knew what account to take the money out of. I know she didn't recognize me 'cause I never took my ski mask off. Oh, well. I get my beer and when I dig into my cloth sack to pay, I find a bunch of hundred dollar bills. I didn't know I had that much money in the bank! I have direct deposit and I never balance by check book, so I never really know how much money I have. What a surprise! I found a lowly twenty in the stash of hundreds and told the cashier, "Keep the change my good-man!" When I get to my bike, Jerome sees me and says, "My that's sure is a pretty bicycle, Ma'am." "Shuddup, jerk." I tell him. "Your gonna get busted for stealin' all that wood." Since the seat is cold on the bicycle, I borrow some twine from Jerome and tie the cloth sack on the seat, so I can sit on it and be just that much warmer. Jerome just tilts his head back and laughs. So I peddle over Dodge Street on the 156th Street Bridge. Just as I get across the bridge, I hear cop sirens. I look over to the Dodge Street exit, and what do I see? Not two, but four cop cars swinging onto 156th from Dodge, heading for the Store. I know Jerome's in big trouble now. I just smile and wave, sittin' on that sack of cash. And now you know. COMING NEXT: I buy a new car! Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com
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