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	Lunatic Ravings Maculate Conception Ask Bob Chick Shit for Chick Chicks Ask Bob A Question! Ask Bob 2002 Visit the Archives!! Join Us!		Ask Bob! Ask Bob! - 02/01/02 By Bob Senitram Published each Friday Song in my head: "Helpless people on subway trains, scream, bug-eyed, as he looks in, on down..." - Blue Oyster Cult - - schridb asks: Bob, After reading the butt-itch column and realizing you have a keen knowledge of science, I thought I would ask you, Why does one of my testicles hang lower than the other? - Wondering Dear schridb: To tell the truth I've always noticed that one testicle was lower than the other, but I never paid attention if it was the right one or the left one. Hell, I don't even know if it's the same testicle each time. For all I know they take turns bopping up and down. Like a piston engine, "boing-boing, boing-boing. Boing-boing, boing-boing." So I went ahead and took a little peek-see. I pulled down my pants and underwear, hung my "unmentionable" over my shoulder so I could see, and looked down. Then I woke up. I decided to take a look for real, but I couldn't tell because my testicles are just giant empty sacks. They are like two deflated hippity-hops hanging from my groin. All because of a horrible accident. A few months ago I had diarrhea and I was constipated at the same time. I pushed really hard. Really, really hard. I pushed so hard, that about half a gallon of sloshy waste was redirected into my scrotum sack which caused it to increase in size. When the doctors removed the waste material, they also removed my testicles and I was left with two enlarged, empty scrotum sacks that just flip and flop around when I walk. The only way to answer your question is to follow the scientific method and record the results. The last time I tried a live experiment was on 08/21/00, and it ended up with me in jail. But that was a long time ago, so I decided to test my theory at my favorite truck stop on I-80. First I took two yardsticks and taped them together with masking tape so they formed an "L" shape. Then on one end, I attached the rear view mirror from my car. On the corner I taped my side mirror, so I could see. This was my own homemade "super-snooper." This is what it looked like: Then I went to the bathroom at the truck stop, positioned myself in the stool next to the urinal and waited. When the first person when to the bathroom, I put my "super-snooper" under the wall so the rearview mirror would get a good look at his testicles. However, since the rearview mirror would display the image in reverse, then the side mirror would take that image and make it in reverse. So I the image I saw should be true. If I saw the right testicle lower then the right testicle would actually be lower. But I remember the images we see with our eyes reverse the projection in our brains, which means what we see is the opposite of what is there. but I was looking at an image that was the opposite of an opposite image. Which means my image was the opposite of the opposite's, opposite. I don't remember how long I thought about this, but I do remember I was thoroughly confused. Then the stool door swung open. There was Jethro the truck driver. He had a two-day old stubble on his face, smelled like three day-old skid marks, and was holding his Big "WWF - like belt buckle" in his hand. Before I knew it, I was getting the crap beat out of me. Just like before, the next thing I remember, I was lying face down in the parking lot in a big snow drift. While I was unconscious in the snow drift, I came to realize that the reason one testicle is lower than the other is because of an alien abduction thousands of years ago. I came to learn that aliens visited our planet when it was just full of monkeys. Then implanted modified DNA into our monkey ancestors, so that their offspring would be smarter. Only they didn't want to have the smart monkeys to take over too fast. So they lowered one testicle and that's the testicle with the alien DNA. The additional distance from the exit point would lower the probability of the lower testicle's superior DNA to impregnate the other monkey. But once in a while it would; thus, slowly but sure, the alien DNA would work its way into our monkey asses. And there you have it, if you want superior offspring - chop off the higher testicle and then mate. Your partner will have superior, alien DNA and your son or daughter will be a genius! DO IT TODAY!!! And now you know. COMING NEXT: Just what can Bush do about the economy? Email Bob! webmaster@theweirdcrap.com     Send Email Archives

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