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 Bob Sez - 12/13/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song in my head:
If I had a million dollars,
I wouldn't have to eat Kraft dinners…
- Bare Naked Ladies -
I've now received a second email asking, what the hell is wrong with Bel's mind.
So I decided to do some research.
I thought I'd check the malls to see if there were any books about Bel's religious cult. I ruled out going to the
"Crossing Trails" shopping mall and decided to go to the "Western Roads Shopping Mall."
They sell tobacco, boots, guns and liquor.
And books.
Couldn't find out any books at the Western Roads. So I talked Jerome into doing some investigative journalism.
He returned two weeks later with wings surgically attached to his back and this report:
Bel Garion is from the far, far, south. A land that goes beyond the United States, to a place known as "Phloe-Rita."
This strange land is united by the bullum-headed king, known as, "Jeb."
The locals claim he is the son of royalty, which is why they made him king.
Bel was home-birthed, but in Bel's particular situation, he really should have had a doctor present.
Don't get me wrong, Bel was bullum-headed, like any respectable Phloe-Ritian.
But a normal "Bullum-head" produces a skull that is about 1 1/4 times the size of a normal skull. Bel
has a condition known as a, "hyper-bullum, de-evolved, brain-gel, fragmentation."
Apparently, after centuries of inbreeding, the brains of the Garion clan, had eventually de-evolved into a mesh
of goo that has the cognitive ability of a newborn salamander. In order to compensate for this, the heads of the
Garion clan grew larger and larger with each generation.
Because of this condition, it just so happens, that Bel was born with a bullum head that dwarfed the likes of Letterman,
Leno and even John Cougar Mellencamper's big head.
And at the time of birth his mother had a heck of a time spittin' that boy out. Thinking fast and shreiking in
agony, she crawled to the kitchen, reached up to the utensil drawer and pulled out salad thongs which she used
to squeeze Bel's head repeatedly until it had squished small enough to be born right.
The result was a grossly deformed head that was rounded on one side (spoon side) with four giant protrusions on
the other side (fork side). Bel was born a horrible sight. In fact, the producers of "The Elephant Man"
rejected Bel for the starring role, because he was just too damn ugly.
Because of his hideous deformities, his mother decided to lock him in the basement to keep him hidden. He was given
a television, which he used to learn the English language.
Leftovers were dropped down to him once a day through the laundry shoot. However, one day, a piece of road kill
got stuck in the laundry shoot and they could no longer use it to feed him because no one in the family was brave
enough to unclog it.
They developed a new method that to feed him. They just left the leftovers on the table, unlocked the basement
door, and locked themselves in the bathroom for safety.
Eventually, Bel would smell the food and hunger would bring him out. Then he'd burst through the basement door,
screaming with arms flailing in all directions as he shoved the leftovers in his mouth. When he had a full stomach,
he'd run back into the basement because the light hurt his eyes.
Bel wasn't allowed to have light in the basement because his mother feared if he saw his own reflection, he would
kill himself. Sitting in the basement, alone in the glow of a black and white television, is where Bel developed
his own religion.
One day while they were hiding in the bathroom and Bel was rumaging through the house, little Jimmy (Bel's little
brother), looked up at his mother and whispered, "Oh my God. I left Fluffy out there!" They all looked
at each other in shock, not knowing what to do.
Fluffy was their persian cat of one year.
His mother opened the bathroom door a crack and peeked out. Just as she looked, she saw Fluffy's tail hanging out
of Bel's mouth. He slurped up, the tail disappeared, and Fluffy was no more.
That was a lesson to them all. They decided to never to feed Bel again. Eventually Bel escaped, learned to drive
a car, and is now employed as a taxi driver in the strange land of Phloe-Rita.
And now you know.
COMING NEXT: Dr. Dre and
other fat cats
webmaster@weirdcrap.every1.net
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