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 Bob Sez - 11/23/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song in my head:
Shhhink, shhhink, shhhink, shhhink, shhhink, shhhink, shhhink.
La-la. La.
- The Art of Noise -
Last week, I found myself with an extra $20!
I decided to support the US economy and beat the post-thanksgiving shopping rush, by going Christmas shopping for
my brother, sister and fifteen nephews and nieces. It is a little contradictory for me to Christmas shop because
I'm a pagen loving infidel.
Even though I have found the Jesus, I have absolutely no respect for religion, the teachings of Christ or any other religious
figure. I distort the meanings of the Old and New Testament to get what I want. I lie, I cheat, and I steal at
every available opportunity. I laugh at the unfortunate, stomp on the necks of the downtrodden, and pray for the
homeless so I don't have to give up any cash. I am strong. I am invincible. I am Catholic.
Anyway, I thought I'd go to the popular shopping center in Omaha, NE called, "Crossing Trails". It had
changed a little since I had last seen it, a year ago when me and Stephen
were scouting for sites to use in "TheWeirdcrap - TheMovie." We never got anyone to invest in our idea and had to give it up...but I fell in love with
Omaha and decided to move here earlier
this year!
Back in the day, there were two main dirt roads in Omaha, NE. "Seventy-Seven Strip" and "Dodge City
Street." Since people often came through this intersection, a group of businessmen got the idea of setting
up one of them new shopping complexes that they read about in the local paper. The next thing you knew, "The
Crossing Trails Shopping Centre" was born. They spelled center as "centre" because it looked "continental."
It was quite the sensation! So popular was Omaha's new shopping center, that within' a few years the President
of Omaha (Artimus Daub) had decided to pave the two main dirt roads!
We'd never have to worry about our Carriages getting stuck in the mud in rainy weather! This made The Crossing
Trails Shopping Centre even more popular! Commerce continued to increased as local folks flocked to the new center
in summer and winter.
The shopping fever had gotten so crazy that the amount of Black People hung on the courthouse lawn had decreased
by 20%!
Folks were so pleased with the new developments and increased economy that President Daub was elected for another
term!
Just to explain, most Nebraskan's don't know that we are part of the United States. Somewhere down the line, they
got it in their heads that Nebraska was an independent nation and started
calling themselves "Huskers." Since so few Nebraskans know how to read, the government decided not to
tell anybody, on account they might get too excited and start a war against Iowa or Kansas City.
So when Daub ran for Mayor of Omaha, they tell folks that he's running for "President of Omaha." When
we have elections for Governor they say, he's running for "President of Nebraska." In fact, everyone
is a, "President of Something" in Nebraska. For example: my Economics Professor is, "The President
of the 10:05 am Economics Class," while the Dean is, "The President of Arts and Humanity Department."
At work, I am, "The President of French-Fry Production."
That's just the way things are, and we like it.
So, Daub ran for President under the promise that he would increase police murders and keep the electric chair.
He explained that, when Nebraska Judges decide to kill Black folks, they'd suffer in the most barbaric way possible.
This made the white folks happy and before you knew it, Daub was President again and the Omaha Police were shooting
Black folks left and right.
Anyways, like I said, times had changed. By 1984, most the streets got paved and a lot of folks got them "auto-mobiles."
The United States of Nebraska Police doesn't hunt down black people as much either. Which is nice if you happen
to be black.
As you may have guessed, the Crossing Trials Shopping Centre is no longer new. As I approached the Center, I couldn't
help but notice that it was surrounded by barbed wire with a bunch of teenagers guarding it from evildoers.
When I got closer, I noticed an uncountable amount of empty, deserted buildings, abandoned, rusted cars, and various
pieces of rubble and debris that littered the streets. Not a single policeman can be found here, quite frankly
because it's just too dangerous. But I was determined to go despite the dangers. I had a coupon for over half off
my next purchase and by-golly I wasn't gonna let it go to waist.
Once I parked my car, I slouched down in my seat for safety, and reviewed the following hints from my "How to Survive a trip to The Crossing Trails" book:
- Be cautious on your way from the parking lot to the shopping center.
- Run from car to car.
- Always keep your head low while running to avoid gunfire.
- Often the Crossing Trails will come under attack by a neighboring group, in this
case be extra cautious, and be aware of "friendly fire."
- Keep a cell phone (in case of injury).
- Memorize the secret handshake needed to gain entrance.
- Keep this book with you at all times.
I packed my cell phone and headed for the Center. I made it too the entrance safely and once I arrived, I was asked
for the "secret hip-hop" handshake.
Damn! I did not memorize the handshake and I left my manual in the car!
I decided to try to wing-it. Being a big "Flip Wilson" fan, I gave it the ol' famous "Flip Wilson
Handshake." But when I did "The Bump" and bounced my booty to his booty, I was thrown out.
I made it back to my car with minimal injuries and decided to go to Western Roads, another popular shopping center.
Maybe someday I'll tell you what happened there.
COMING NEXT: Why is Bel Garion so Wicked?
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