|
|
|
 Bob Sez - 11/02/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song in my head:
"I'm accustomed to a smoother ride,
or maybe I'm just a dog who lost his bite."
- The Paul Simon -
On Wednesday I was convinced that terrorist put anthrax in the nations supply of chocolate, so I threw all my candy
in the garbage and baked some nice fish sticks. When the itty-bitty-beggars with the great big eyes showed up,
I gave them a choice of fish sticks or celery sticks.
To make sure they didn't forget the true meaning of Halloween I stuck little strips of paper, with satanic messages,
on the food with toothpicks. Nothing too deep, just little slogans like: "That Darn Satan!" "Lay
with Lucifer!" & "Give a soul - GET BIG MONEY!!!"
HEY!! Those fish sticks were a big hit!
They were so popular, I had to microwave a few batches. They were a little soggy but the kids liked 'em just the
same. I was surprised they didn't go for the celery.
Celery was quite a treat when I was a kid. But we were poor and anything that could be consumed seemed to a gift
from the God. We were so poor, Parents of kids in China used to say, "Eat all your dinner! Bob, in America,
would give his right arm for those three grains of rice!"
GUESS WHAT!!!
MORE VISITOR MAIL!!!
Paul H, sent this anecdote by email:
BAGEL
So...we're standing in line at a downtown bagel shop. Beth is chattering as per usual. Just like a fly buzzing
- sometimes louder, sometimes softer, almost always annoying (in a good way, of course). And I'm standing there
like a cigar store Indian, wondering if zombies buy bagels.
It's our turn, and I wait while Beth orders - Walnut Honey cream cheese on a wheat bagel for each of us. I suppose
if she had ordered Day-Old Puke on a Horse Turd, I would have dutifully eaten it...
The guy behind the counter obviously knows what he's doing, and I watch, mildly fascinated, while he goes through
his robotically precise bagel-cut-cream-cheese-spread process.
That is...until Beth explodes with a "GO LIGHTER ON THE CREAM CHEESE!" shriek from the gallery. The bagel
guy looked up with eyes like Buckwheat seeing a ghost, and kept his gaze on her while he scraped a thick layer
of cheese off the bagel.
Having confidence that her command had been carried out, Beth turned and stepped toward the cash register, while
Bagel Guy wrapped up his work.
I saw him take out a marker for identifying the bagels, and as he approached her package to mark, I leaned over
and winked as I said, "Go ahead and mark that one BITCH."
He laughed and wrote Mama on one and Daddy on the other.
But I think he was satisfied with my apology.
Jerome writes:
Hey! What happened to you guys! You aint send me on an assignment for quite a while…I'm feeling better! Really.
Now you got this chick wroting articles in her own column, and nut named bel too! while I o'most get kill't, helping
you guys out - I GET NUTHIN!!! DAMM YOU!!!
DAMM YU ALL TO HELL!!!
Bob replies:
Dear Jerome,
Who are you?
Susan G. writes:
I had a question I wanted to send you, but I forgot.
P.S. Can I borrow five dollars?
Dear Suzie-Q:
Let me know if you remember.
No.
COMING NEXT: Drug stores,
my chick, monkey dung and babies!
webmaster@weirdcrap.every1.net
|
|
|
