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 Bob Sez - 10/12/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song In My Head:
"The DEALER is a man,
with the love for money in his hand.
But the Pusher is a monster…
God, he's not a natural man.
- Steppenwolf -
I got me job!
On my first day at work I'm hung over, because my wife and I celebrated all night. We were excited because, in
a few months we'd be able to afford to move out of my parents' basement and get a new place!
I was so tired at work, my eyes just burned. I thought the red eyes, combined with the wobbling, would give me
away, so I went to go to the bathroom to moisten my eyes. That would take some of the redness out and help sober
me up.
I stop-up the sink in the bathroom with paper towels and fill it with cold water. Then I dunk my face in the water.
That would do the trick. I figured if I soaked my face, it would absorb the water like a sponge and moisture would
make its way to my eyes.
It seemed to work ok.
I was hired by a "temp service" to be an office hand. Filing and what-not. But when they asked me to
alphabetize stuff, I was really stumped. The alphabet thing sounded familiar, but I wasn't quite sure where to
start. But once someone explained it to me, I caught on in a snap!
I do have a Bachelor of Science Degree from the University of Nebraska, but after graduation I partied a lot. Ten
years later I was still stoned. If you fried eggs in a pan as often as I got stoned, the Teflon would have worn
out years ago. As a result, I pretty much forgot the basics of…well…pretty much everything. Which is why it's so
hard for me to keep a job. I really can't do anything. But it's not all bad, because when you can't remember things
from one moment to the next, you don't worry very much. Yep, I got no worry lines on my pretty little face.
Back to the job.
The thermostat is set at 70 degrees, but for some reason, when it's actually about 85 degrees, the thermometer
shows that it's 60 degrees and the heater just keeps pumping and pumping out that hot air. I'm in the back room,
moving boxes of paper files which are pretty heavy and the heat is just goin' nuts.
For some reason, when I first start to sweat, I don't sweat under my arms. I don't sweat from my forehead, oh no,
that would be too simple. I start sweating from my butt first. Which is why I usually "take care of business"
first thing in the morning. 'Cause if I have a bowel movement at work, and then the butt sweat gets going, it can
lead to a real "funk-o-rama."
So I'm in the back room, in this sauna, sweatin' like a pig. As I'm moving boxes, by butt tickles because I can
just feel the sweat dripping between my buttocks. I CAN'T HELP IT!!!
By 11am guys at work are starting to make fun of me:
"Hey sweet cheeks, is it that time of the month! Har, har!"
"Hey Bobby, you need a tampon for that! Har, har!"
All because of the butt sweat. That's when an "old timer" introduced me to "Bond's Gold Powder."
He said, "Now you can let your armpits, go for two or three days…but you gotta wash that ass…EVERYDAY! But
if you can't, slap on some gold powder and you'll be all set up.
He didn't have any Gold's, so I decided to go ahead and go to the bathroom and see if I could soak up some of that
butt-sweat with toilet paper. So I'm on the John and I notice there's no handle to flush with. Then I notice, on
my right hand side, there is a pedal on the wall. It looks just like a break pedal…so I push it with my foot and
the toilet flushes.
For some reason this seemed real funny to me, so I did it again and giggled. Then I did it again, and again, and
again, and…
The toilet backed up and water flowed all over my feet and got my pants soaking wet. There was nothing I could
do, so I took my pants off and hung it over the door to dry, jumped up on the sink and read the paper. I figured
I get back to work as soon as they dried.
I just finished the front page, around 4 pm when my boss walked in and made me put on my pants. She said I was
goofing-off despite my perfectly good reason for being in the bathroom for 3 ½ hrs. Then she said other
employees complained that I radiated "negative vibes," and she accused me of drinking on the job.
"No-way!" replied, "I would never do that! I drank before I came to work!" I shouted back.
I was sent home early without an invitation to return. But at least I know the Gold's Medicated Powder trick!
So now I know.
COMING NEXT: I try to figure out why so
many people hate the United States!
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