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 Bob Sez - 9/28/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song In My Head:
"Tear the roof off the sucka'
tear the roof off the sucka'
tear the roof off the mutha' sucka'."
- Parliament -
My wife was out of town this weekend, which left me to fend for myself. I looked in the fridge and saw a bunch
of stuff that's been sittin' around for a while. Since I don't like to waste food, I figured Saturday would be
"eat old shit in the fridge day."
My first victim was four old slices of delicious bologna. I just rinsed them in the sink to get the white slimy
stuff off, and to be safe I sliced them into little bacon-like strips and fried them until they got a little crispy.
I thought the heat would kill any germs. I added some eggs and had a "spam-like and eggs breakfast."
Mmmmmmmmmm.
For lunch, I found some perfectly good "Del Monte Peas." I knew they were "Del Monte Peas"
because they were still in the can. They had a little mold on the top, so to be safe, I carefully spooned out the
mold so I wouldn't eat any of it.
I love peas! I didn't even warm them up because like chicken and pizza, they're even better cold!
That night for dinner, I had a 104 degree temperature. I think it was something I ate.
At first my stomach growled like I hadn't eaten for weeks, then I could feel stuff just jumpin' all around inside…like
a washing machine. Soon enough I was shooting out a greenish diarrhea and things started to move around the house
all by themselves. I put on "Inna-Godda-Divida" and topped it off with a couple of beers. I felt better,
until morning when I threw up for several hours.
By Sunday my left arm started tingling, like it was asleep, and I only had partial feeling on my left side.
By Monday, my left arm and leg were part paralyzed, I limped around with my arm just hanging by my side, all last
week and people started calling me "King Yellowman."
So there you have it, if someone ever tells you, "It's still good, just wash the slimy stuff off." Don't
listen to them. Run away.
One other thing.
During one bout of explosive diarrhea, I went back to clean myself and I felt something moist on my arm. I let
go of the toilet paper and looked at my arm.
There was a big smear of runny-poop on my arm. It ran below my elbow and ran just short of my palm. I tried to
look around to see what happened, but I couldn't turn around far enough. So I stood up to see what happened.
As it turned out, my shirt had been hanging below my back-side and during one particular strong squirt, the whole
works sprayed out in a multi-directional fashion and soaked my shirt real good.
So when I reached down, my arm brushed against…
Ooop I gotta stop now, the teapot just started whistling. I'm gonna pour some water on my arm to disinfect it.
I guess I should clean my keyboard too.
And now you know.
COMING NEXT: We look at the new fall line-up!
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