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 Bob Sez - 9/07/01
By Bob Senitram
Published each Friday
Song In My Head:
"…I got sunshine in a bag…the future keeps comin' on,
and comin' on,
and comin' on…
- Gorillaz -
So I'm gonna eat a hot dog and I get some ketchup out of the fridge and start squeezing the tube nice and tight.
First, about ½ cup of transparent red-ish liquid spats all over my hotdog and all over my hand, then a thick
gooey paste plops on top of my dinner in nice sturdy pile.
It was a special kind of ketchup because it had green and yellow sparkles! I was so excited! I chowed it down and
couldn't help but notice it had a good, hearty, earthy taste to it.
A few moments later, I enjoyed a good hearty, earthy, projectile vomit.
"What's up with this ketchup?" I asked my wife.
She explained that she gave her mom a bottle of ketchup when we moved from Omaha to Tallahassee. That was two years
ago. When we got back, she gave the bottle back for my wife to feed to me. My wife is allergic to tomatoes, so
she would never touch it. I'm quite sure my mother-in-law is trying to kill me, on account that I'm a bum.
So much about that.
I saw a TV movie today, because I don't have a job. The name of the movie was, "Buried
Alive," which really sucked. Think about it. The title is like the
punch line of a joke.
In the movie, some guy is poisoned and they don't do an autopsy…gee, could it be because he is gonna be…BURIED
ALIVE?! It was hard to say. Then, they don't embalm him because it's a "rush funeral" that has to be
done that afternoon, because…because…just maybe because, HE'S GONNA BE
BURIED ALIVE!?
Then they decide to use an "old water damaged coffin." Gee, I wonder why?
"And just how could a flimsy coffin fit into a story called, 'Buried
Alive!?'" I kept asking myself.
.
The "dead" guy comes back to life later that night and breaks out of the flimsy coffin and climbs back
out of his grave, because…because…are you ready for this? HE WAS BURIED
ALIVE!!!
So what does that remind you of?
It should remind you of the new "Planet of The Apes." That Tim Burton makes a big announcement before
the movie is released that there's going to be "a big, surprise ending."
So the whole time, you're watching, you think, "…gee, I wonder what the 'big surprise' ending will be. Maybe
someone will be BURIED ALIVE!!!"
The movie takes so long to end, that by the time you see "the big surprise ending," you've already predicted
the ending and have been plotting out the story line of the third sequel.
Watching movies is pretty much all I did this week. Having a job really gets in the way of a good productive life.
Without a job, I now find time for the important things in life. For example, today I had a wonderful talk with
some of the moldy life forms growing in the fridge.
But you gotta take care of business, or business will take care of you. so I had an interview for a job on Wednesday.
I show up a few minutes early and thought I'd take a pee.
The edge of the urinal had all sorts of urine, pubic hairs, and some gooey stuff that I didn't know what it was.
I hope it was spit.
Now for you ladies, who may not know what modern urinals are like, they have a section that sticks out about 3
feet off the ground, this is where the toilet bowl cake sits. If you urinate real hard on the cake, you can get
blue stuff splattered all over your pants, or legs if you got shorts on.
Which is nice.
But this was no time for blue splatters, I had an interview for a job! I was extra careful not to splatter the
blue cake before the interview. But since I barely clear 4 feet in height, I stood on my tippy-toes so my pants
wouldn't touch the sloppy urinal protrusion. When I was finished, I looked down and my white khakis had a big urine
stain just to the side of my un-mentionables. I tried to be careful, but I guess I stood too close.
Since I was alone in the bathroom, I thought I could get a paper towel and rub the spot real fast and the urine
would evaporate.
So I'm rubbing my crotch frantically, when some guy walks in and looks at me like I'm crazy and runs right out.
I duck out of there and go to the interview with the pee-pee stain on my pants.
The guy who walked in on me was the interviewer.
I didn't get the job.
And now you know.
COMING NEXT WEEK: I test my theory of gravitation!
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