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Ask Bob a Question!
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 As I checked my email, I noticed a lot of speculation concerning my where-abouts.
Even the staff here at the web site pitched in to try to figure out exactly what happened.
Stephen (Lunatic Ravings) sez I joined N' Sync or Backstreet Boys, on account that I'm so pretty. The editor (Bob
M) was positive that I was kidnapped. Bel Garion (Maculate Conception) checked all my favorite hangouts to get
clues. Melissa was happy I was gone because she says I owe her money.
Apparently, during last year's Christmas party, Melissa's husband went to the bathroom and caught his wife with
three guys. They had a regular rotisserie goin' on. Melissa and her husband were too drunk to remember who got
to have their way without paying. I'm pretty sure it was Stephen and Bel.
One thing Melissa was sure of…one of those guys had a green shirt on. It just so happened that I was wearing a
green shirt in October of 1999 and Melissa became convinced that I owed her $4.50 for services rendered. But I
refuse to pay, because I know I could never get drunk enough to have sex with that pus dripping Melissa.
Besides, I'm too old to even think about sex. At my age, when a woman says, "No." I say, l "Thank
you." And I go to sleep.
Enough about that, I'm not paying!
Last week I thought I gave a good enough explanation of what happened to me, but the editor says, "The world
wants to know more!" So here's more detail:
.
It was a dark and rainy night in Tallahassee, Florida when I decided to go get some cigarettes at the local "Suck
- Eleven." They wanted almost $7.00 for one pack of cigarettes so I decided to go to a popular store here
in the south called, "Win Dixie."
But as all the kids say these days, "What's up with that?"
You're in the deep south where a large portion of the population is black and you name your store "Win Dixie?"
Damn. That just ain't right.
By the way, it wasn't really raining that night, I just said that for the dramatic effect.
I can't get into the "Win Dixie" because there's a big "Son of a Confederate Veteran Jamboree"
goin' on in the parking lot. They're riding all around the lot in their tiny cars with white pillow cases on their
heads.
I don't really understand how they can be proud to be "Sons of Confederates?" If the confederates came
to arms against the United States, doesn't that make them just like them Waco - Branch Dividians. More people died
in the Confederate War than in the Oklahoma bombing. Doesn't that make them confederates worse criminal/traitors
than Tim McVey?
In my head, that makes them Confederates "Anti-American-Traitors." Future generations should be ashamed
that their grandfathers were stupid, drooling, cross-burning, anti-American, slack jawed, banjo-playin', inbred,
hillbillies, who blindly followed-the-leader, like a bunch of retarded, hypnotized nazi's.
I think that last paragraph was politically incorrect and I apologize. I should have said, "…like a bunch
of 'mentally challenged' hypnotized nazi's."
So I decide to go to a different grocery store.
I'm driving east on Apalache Parkway and they got a detour up…so I keep going in hopes of finding another store,
then take a left. Now I'm on "Capital Circle."
I keep going straight and I see an interstate ramp. My wife normally don't allow me to drive on the interstate,
but she ain't with me and I figure there must be a lot of stores on that there interstate!
I end up getting lost and I haven't been home for two months, but I got them cigarettes and that's the important
thing. I finally got a job in Omaha, Nebraska which is nice.
But what's way more interesting than the truth, are the theories of what happened to me, made by The Weirdcrap
staff. But that's another story altogether!
COMING NEXT: We study them theories!
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