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 Well here I am again, at The Weirdcrap.
I tried to get away but the editor calls and say's I got to start writing again. Just when I think I'm out for
good - they just pull me back in. It's pretty easy to get a job at The Weirdcrap 'cause they don't pay nuthin'.
It seems that the entire nation was in an uproar about my disappearance (We got two emails!). To make a long story
short, I went for some cigarettes and got distracted. I ended up 1,400 miles away in Omaha, NE.
Enough about that.
I finally got settled down and I call my ol' lady in Tallahassee, FL:
ME - "…just wanted to let
you know I'm ok!"
THE OLD LADY - "My
God! I though you were dead! You went on the interstate didn't you?"
ME - "Well…"
OLD LADY - "I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO ON THE INTERSTATE! It's too big and confusing!"
ME - "I know, but…"
OLD LADY - "DON'T
USE YOUR REAL NAME ANYMORE…I spent half the insurance money. I'm leaving you. I…I…I can't even say why…"
ME - (I dramatically put my hand
on my forehead, just like they do on very special episodes of "Boston Public."). "Ok - Bye then."
.
Then she hangs up.
Before I got lost, the old lady spent most her time in sundresses, spinning around in circles outside until she
fell down. Now she sounds all "Mrs. Establishment-like." I guess the temptation of money from that big
insurance policy was too much. Now she's normal.
Damn. Normalcy, that takes me right out of the picture for good.
So I stop using my real name just like she said and I start using "Bob Bookcase," it's got a nice ring
to it. I only hope that no one figures out my alias.
I got a job here in Omaha, NE, but I start missing the lady, so I went down to the "The Adult Emporium"
in Council Bluffs to pick up some pornos and a some "Air-filled lovin' dolls."
I'm not there for more than three minutes when some "Jabba-the- Hut" lookin' fat man pinches my booty!
I get a-scarred and get the hell out-a there.
Now, I'm at Kmart lookin' for some erotic videos and air filled lovin'!
I ended up with a copy of "The Olsen Twin's Special Xmass Adventure," and 5 foot, blow-up, Godzilla doll
that I named "Suzie Q."
I thought them "Olsen Twins" were some hot, big-boobed bitches like them "Barbi Twins," but
it turned out they were some little kids. I just throw the video away.
So I'm lyin' on the couch watchin' "The Dukes of Hazard" with Suzie, when I get a special feelin' in
a special place.
I'm not ashamed to say me and Suzie Q are in love!
I'm still a little concerned about what "did the trick" for me. I'm pretty sure it was that Daisy Duke
in them short-shorts, but them Duke boys were there too…and so was Uncle Jessie.
Uncle Jessie had some overalls on that rode up his butt, and when he went to the barn to get some spark plugs…well…it
looked kind of good. But I don't want to talk about that.
Anyway, last week me and Suzie Q were hangin' out at the apartment swimming pool, when she got all jealous because
she said I was giving an inflatable raft the eye.
Now she won't speak to me.
Not to worry, I bought some helium for tonight and I hoping it will put her in a lighter mood!
NEXT WEEK: The Whole Story!
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