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 John Degarmo of St. Louis asks:
All winter I've been sicker than a dirty dog! Sicker than a dirty
dog I say!!! Always I am sick all winter - ALWAYS BAD!!! What to do?
Dear John:
I get sick a lot in the winter too, until I found how to protect myself against bacteria.
I figured that I was probably getting sick from people from work so right away I started looking for ways to avoid
germs:
First, I started using paper towels to open door handles. I never wanted to touch another door handle with my hands
again. I found that it's really hard to get a good grip with them cheap brown paper towels, so I soak them in water.
This gives me a good "grab."
I just keep a wad of wet paper towels in my pants pocket so I'm always ready. It creates a moist bulge up front,
but nobody seems to notice. At least, no one has ever said anything.
Second, I decided that I needed to protect myself from air-borne germs. I got a little red bandana that I wrap
around my face, like a bank robber in an old western movie. This stops me from sucking down germs.
Third, since they keep the thermostat at 45 degrees, I decided to keep warmer. For some bizarre reason, it's against
company policy to wear coats inside so, during break time, I fill up the break room sink with nice hot water, take
off my shoes and soak my feet. Accompanied with a cup of hot chocolate, this can really warm you up.
Then my boss sees me one day, gets mad and yells. "You moron!!! Get your feet out of that sink! What are you?
An idiot?"
So I had to stop.
Now I just soak my feet in the bathroom sink. I'm only 5 ft tall so I fit on that small counter nicely.
So I'm in the bathroom soakin' my feet when someone comes out of the stall leaving the most god-awful horrible
stench I'd ever smelled! The bandana didn't block the smell, and I'm sure there were all sorts of booty germs floatin'
around in there. Just then, I started getting dizzy.
Then I threw up.
Puke splattered on the wall, splashed in the water and dribbled down my shirt. Luckily I was close to the paper
towels.
But that smell! I HAD to do something about that smell! So I got two sheets of toilet paper and stuck one in each
nostril to block that awful smell and halt them nasty booty germs from floatin' in my nostrils and havin' a hey-day
with my stomach.
Then my boss walks in and says, "I thought I told you not to soak your feet anymore! Get down from there RIGHT
NOW!!!"
"You said I couldn't soak my feet in the break room sink." I say quietly.
"Just get the hell down from there!" he shouts, while looking at the puke splattered on the wall. He's
so mad, he don't notice that I got puke on my shirt.
So I scramble down in a hurry before he figures it's my puke on the wall. I go too fast and fall right on my head.
WHACK! A piece of toilet paper flies right out of my nostril! I slip my socks on without drying my feet and rush
right out of there.
As soon as I leave the bathroom, who do I see?
The owner of the company, who's normally in Indianapolis!
He looks me over.
I got no shoes and soggy socks.
I got a piece of toilet paper hanging out of my nose.
I got fresh puke on my shirt
I'm sportin' a red bandana - one end hanging from my ear, the other end down by my chin.
He looks down toward my crotch and I got that big wet bulge from the paper towels.
"Jesus!" he says, "Fire that idiot."
And, in a totally unrelated subject:
I got an animated picture of a pie being thrown in Stephen Johnson's face, from "Virtual Food Fight" dot com. Stephen writes "Lunatic Ravings." Anyway, he got real mad and declared war on me. This
makes me laugh, because if I can do anything to piss off Stephen, I consider it a good day :)
And now you know
Coming Next: The weakest link?
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