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 Before I start, I would just like to mention that Stephens commentary
on 03/01/01 was incomplete.
He failed to mention that when I examined the puke of Sally the Throw-Up Girl, I found traces of chewed up chicken
and guacamole. I had come to the conclusion that the fatal combination of these two ingredients, in addition to,
hot sauce and a bottle of chiquila would cause projectile vomiting. Based on the angle of the splatter, I was convinced
projectile vomiting was at play here, but that wasn't enough…I needed to know the cause.
The hot sauce was an important contributing factor and this is why the taste test was necessary. I just didn't
want anyone to think that I went around tasting puke all willy-nilly-like.
Since there was so much hub-bub about that election, Jerome and me thought that it was our civic duty, as journalists,
to find out who really won the election. At first we planned to go to Broward County in Florida, and recount the
votes ourselves. But then Jerome got a better idea.
He figured that if the President selected by the Supreme Court was illegitimate, then that would mean George Bush
Senior was not his father. All we would have to do is call up his Mom and find out if she had an affair with Elvis
or Castro or someone other than her husband.
I was quite sure they lived in Florida, but Jerome insisted that the Bushes lived in Texas. So we did a search
on the Internet and copied all the telephone directories with the name "Barbara Bush," for both Texas
and Florida.
However, then we were faced with the possibility that George's mother would not admit she was his Mom. Possibly
because she is too embarrassed to admit it or possibly because she don't want to be harassed by a bunch of strange
people.
Either way we had talked ourselves into believing that she would never admit she was the real Barbara Bush. We
decided to call all the Barbara Bushes and ask them if they had illegitimate children.
If most of the Barbara's we called had an illegitimate child, then we agreed that it is most probable that the
President is probably illegitimate also. If most said no, then we agreed it was most likely that George Bush was
not an illegitimate child and, as a result, not an illegitimate President.
In order to keep all variables in check, we wrote this script:
Hello, my name is ___________.
If I may ask, are you a skanky whore?
- If Yes -
As a result of your skankiness, did you have an illegitimate son? (If yes, Record call as "illegitimate." If no, record call as "not illegitimate.)
- If No -
OK, thank you for your time.
(Record call as "not illegitimate.")
We spent a full week calling all the Barbara Bushes in both states. As a result, we came up with 14,369 hang ups.
No one got past the first question. Since we have no data, we decided to study this dilemma from a different angle
at a future date.
And now you know.
Coming next: We change
the history of the world.
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