|
Visit the Commentary Archives!
Ask Bob a Question!
|
 Before I answer this weeks question, I'm going to mention that our Daily Demented Comics has been revised. It loads much faster than the old version and is very pleasing to the
eye.
Stovsie from stockton:
g,day i am from the outback and eery on epicks on me. what should
i do bob.
Stovsie:
I feel your pain, in fact just this week Stephen's old lady left him for the weekend.
This happens on occasion and it always makes me worry, because Stephen is not capable of complicated tasks, such
as, operating a stove or a microwave. Usually his lady leaves crakers and dry cereal on the table for him to munch
on.
Saturday I got to thinking that, if she left some of those new-fangled packages that are a cross between foil and
plastic, he may not be able to rip them open.
Stephen is not very strong.
So I decided to call and make sure he was OK. When he answered all I could hear was the stereo playing full blast
and some grunting noises. Then his phone dropped to the floor and it sounded like he was tossing it all around
the room - until finally it went dead.
I figured the packaging on the dry goods were too complicated for him and now he was delerious from hunger. I called
Jerome and asked him to go check on Stephen. I was quite sure he was starving and would soon die. I don't want
to get stuck writing his column.
The following is an excerpt from Jeromes diary:
When I got to Stephen's crib, I noticed is his front door
had been removed and he had cut a big arch in its place with a chain saw.
I walked in and couldn't see a damn thing. All I could hear was a stoopid "Devo" record that was playing
very loud and skipping. I hate Devo. When my eyes adjusted to the dark, I went right to the stereo and yanked the
record off the turntable and broke it against the wall.
Looking around I noticed Stephen had cut out most of the of the walls so it looked like one big room inside. There
was plaster all over the floor and shit hangin down from the roof, so I had to watch where I went.
|
|
|
Inside Stephen's House
|
He also painted the inside a dark brown and he covered
the windows with thick blankets. It really did look like a cave. I tore one of the blankets off the window so I
could see better and noticed he had drawn a series of cave-man pictures on the walls.
Then I noticed him crouched down in the corner of what used to be the dinning room. He was naked - masterbating
with one hand and shoving handfuls of "kibbles and bits" into his mouth with the other.
That's when I left to report back to Bob.
So at least Stephen wasn't starving. I concluded that he got drunk, put on the Devo record which proceeded to skip
over and over. Confused about what to do, he just let it keep playing, until finally his body was convinced to
regress back to a prehistoric version of himself.
The only answer was to get a female over to his place as soon as possible. The smell of potpourri and flowers should
snap him out of it. I tried to call a hooker but failed. This was the conversation:
Operator: "This is Flo. How
can I help you today?"
Me: "I got sticky hands...sluuuuuuuuurrp."
Flo: "Can I help you?!"
Me: "I got STICKY hands...sluuuuuurrp-ssssssss."
Flo: "Is there something
I can do for you?"
Me: "I got STICKY HANDS...sluuuuurrp-ssssssss -aaaaaaahhhh."
Flo: "You can just EAT MY
SHORTS!" - A polite disconnect followed.
I don't know why she responded that way, but maybe I had the wrong number. I was drunk at the time and had just
spilled ice cream on myself.
I hope this answered your question.
And now you know.
Coming up: Mangos for
everyone! |
