Last
week I promised to explain how I found the Sweet Jesus.
I came home from work and heard a muffled "Merffle-Gerffle" sound. I didn't know what it was, so first
I checked to make sure kitty wasn't trapped in the closet or the refrigerator. Then I checked the chair that he
usually sleeps in, and there he was!
"Merffle-Gerffle," I heard it again!
Then I look under the kitchen sink. And who do you think pops out? Yup, you guessed it, none other than the Sweet
Jesus himself. I could have asked what he was doing there, but it just didn't seem important to me at the time.
I talked him into hanging out while I watched Wheel of Fortune. I wanted proof when I tell my wife that I found Jesus.
So she comes home and says, "Now, you put that Jesus right back where you found him. RIGHT NOW!"
So I do, on account that I'm a-scarred of my wife - like all men. Only now, the Jesus don't wanna go back. But
with my wifes help we squish him back in there and put a pad lock on it. I also took the garbage out from under
the sink so he don't try to sneak out when we throw something away.
So if someone tells you that they found the Sweet Jesus, just spit in thier face and call them a liar, 'cause I
got him here right under the sink.
I first heard the sweet name of Jesus when I was 9 years old:
Every summer I stayed home while my mom when to work. One day she comes home early and finds me rolling up and
down the front room floor, naked - wrapped in a beach towel with a picture of the "Copper Tone" girl"
on it. I don't know she's there until I hear her screaming at me.
"Jesus-Christ!" she screams over and over while pummeling my head with a newspaper.
It was my older brothers beach towel and it wasn't the real Copper Tone girl,
it was a grown up model with great big boobs. A dog was pullin' down here swimsuit bottom, just like the Copper
Tone girl.
My infatuation with this beach towel started one day when I was taking a bath. All the regular towels were dirty,
so I use my brothers towel to dry off. When I'm finished, I toss it on the floor and step on it to dry my feet.
There she was, all round and curvy. I couldn't stop starring at her breasts, and my stomach started feelin' all
tinglely-winglely. The next thing I knew, I was lyin' on top of that beach towel, squiggling all around. I don't
know why. I was only 9 and I didn't know what sex was...but there I was!
A few months after the Copper Tone incident, my mom comes home early again and finds me naked. rolling up and down
the floor, wrapped in my sisters "Menudo" beach towel.
My mom don't say a thing.
She snatches the Menudo towel from me; comes back with the copper tone towel, throws it on my naked little body
and leaves.
We've never discussed it since.
And now you know.
Coming up: My anus, myself.
Look for a new "Ask Bob" each Tuesday.
