Last week I promised to explain the mysteries of creation. Only I don't have the foggiest idea how everything
came about. Lucky for me that was sent to me by email by Horatio Evelante!
I believe he may be some religious icon in some other country, 'cause he explains how the God got it all together.
So here's how he explained the whole thing:
The Story of Creation
All is black, God sits upon his throne.
He then grew bored and laid in his bed. He tossed, turned, subsequently grew irritated and returned to his throne.
God has writers block. He wants to create, but what should he create? Becoming desperate he falls to his knees,
spread before him is the material of creation. This is the clay that everything is molded from. After eons and
eons of trying he just couldn't make anything work.
Alone in his roaring silence with only his thoughts to keep him company it made God kind of lonely. He started
contradicting himself and wears a lot of togas. After millions of years it came down to one week, lets listen in
on the creation of heaven and earth.
God: I've finally worked it out!
I'm going to shape this clay into a square, this square and others like it with spin around a ball of fire. I think
I will call it a..... Jesus, yes a Jesus. I must hurry.”
As God ambled forward he stepped in a large groove where he had
been making clay snow angels earlier and fell flat on his face. His blessed Jesus-square left his grasp and fell
to the floor ruining the perfect edges. This made God angry. He jumped to his feet, snatched up the hunk of clay
and wiped his ass with it and chunked it.
God looked around expecting to see his clay spread across the landscape, but instead he saw it hovering and spinning
slowly.
God: “Holy shit, I've really done
it. I've created somethi-”.
Two hands shot around the chest of God and lifted him off of his
feet.
God: “AH! Who the fuck are you”!
Holy Ghost: “Holy Ghoooost! Hooooly
Ghooooost!!!”
God: “Let me go you freak”!
The Holy Ghost Released God.
Holy Ghost: “How do I look”?
God: You've got a bed sheet on
your head. You look like a villain
from Scooby-Doo! Or a Clansman with a horrible tailor.”
Holy Ghost: “Your just jealous”.
God: “Hey, I was wearing bed sheets
when you were just a brain
fart. Now all pleasantries aside, I want to show you my creation”.
Holy Ghost: Wow, that's impressive.
I've wiped my ass with things but never considered it creation. Stinkier maybe, but nev-”
God: “Silence! You shut your Holy
cake hole! On this new world
my subject will run wild and be happy and when their life cycles
come to an end they will return to their creator so I ca-”
Holy Ghost: “So you can wipe your
ass again”! (Holy ghost said
roaring with laughter)
God: “No your sacrilegious shit!
So they can pay homage to their
creator”.
Holy Ghost: “Boy you got a hard-on
for yourself don’t you”.
God: “Yeah, this from someone
who looks like a big pitched tent,
now get the Haides out of here”!
God turned his back on the Holy Ghost and focused his attention
on the population problem of earth.
Holy Ghost: “Hey God”!
God turned back just in time to see the Holy Ghost wipe his ass
with a divine lump of clay.
Holy Ghost: “Hey look, I've invented
Uranus! Ha ha ha”!!!!
)Poof(
The Holy Ghost was gone. God did go on to create earth, its first inhabitants: Adam, Eve, and Steve. They all did
very well, but that's another story. The Holy Ghost is still wearing his bed sheet as well.
And now you know.
Coming up: Farrakhan,
aliens, and moist towelettes
Look for a new "Ask Bob" each Tuesday.
