Phil Cartone from Toronto, Canada writes:
Can you help me? The purpose of life puzzles me. Can you help
me find meaning to it all?
Dear Phil,
Recently, God helped me answer your question by directing me to a TV show where a man told me to give my credit
card number to the Blessed, Sacred, Bleeding Heart Church of the First Adventist Worshipers of the Jesus, son of
the Glorious Mother Mary of God we Trust , Church, Inc. (otherwise known as, BSBH-CFAW-JGMM-GTCI which doesn't
spell anything but it is the same amount of digits of most credit cards.).
That preacher on the TV said they wouldn't take money from my credit card unless God answered my prayers. It seemed
like a safe bet to me and I would be helping them do Gods good work.
In fact I saw some of that work, that they were doin' for the almighty, right there on the TV! First the preacher
laid hands on a man's forehead said some silly words and the man fell right to the ground. That seemed to make
sense 'cause he was crippled, but then he go right up and walked! Wow! Thank's Jesus!
After a while that preacher was on a roll, he didn't even have to put his hands on people...he just pointed at
'em, and they went flyin' down in the name of the Lord. It was just like watching a real live Darth Vader, only
it was a good Darth Vader workin' for the Lord!
I am certain everything that happened was true, because it was on TV. I was so impressed with this I called right
away and gave him my credit card number. Furthermore, it has changed my life. Now, I only go to Christian Bookstores,
and I only listen to Christian Music, and I only drink milk from a Christian Cow.
And do you know, just when I was about to give up hope, I recieved several special inspired messages from the Lord.
This is what the God told me, who worked thru the Jesus, who divinely went thru three people to spread his holy
words to me by email.
The first email said you gotta get a job, this is very important because it gives you purpose. Then after you get
a job, try real hard to keep it. Your hard work will be rewarded by the Jesus and your employer (who will be required
to promote you or face the wrath of God). I am sure that this is true because I'm always reading about people who
go into their workplace with some kind of semi-automatic weapon to help the Jesus carry out that wrath.
Eventually you will become a boss. As the Boss, you gotta run a tight ship, cause the Jesus don't like no sloppy
ships.
The second email explained how to run a nice tight ship at work once your the boss. I assume that these suggestions
should become holy law, because I prayed to the Blessed Mother of the holy Jesus, and this was the answer I got.
The writer of these holy laws was Bo-Derek, or Bou-hampton or something.
Actually, I forgot his name. After sending me the instructions, I asked for his name, 'cause I didn't know who
he was. He sent it to me, but then I forgot.
So the next day, I asked him to send me an email with his name so I can give him proper credit. He did, but then
I lost it. So two days later, I asked him to send me his name again. He called me stupid and told me to print the
last email he sent. So I did and I put the printed email in my back pocket.
Over the weekend I forgot about the email and I washed those pants. Now my note is just a dried up little clump
of paper and I still don't know his name. I checked my email and I already deleted it. Oh, well.
If I remember to get his name later, I'll put it here __________.
These are the business tips sent to me by the Almighty God, Amen:
Lead a training session by asking plenty of questions. They can help you clarify misunderstandings, increase employee
retention and create a more lively, interactive learning environment.
Make the most of your questions by using these holy techniques:
1) Post guards at the door that
are fanatically loyal.
2) Reveal your biases and strongly
hint at the answer you're seeking.
3) Make others think and encourage
free-flowing discussion.
Example: Rather than asking "What are some of the problems with this approach?" try "What the hell
is your problem?"
4) Direct questions at all the
participants. Speak to the whole group, then choose someone to answer.
5) Make sure your guards are very
big and nasty looking. Everyone will pay attention because no one will know who you'll pick next to go outside.
6) Speak up. Don't bury your question
in a rambling monologue. Pause briefly before and after you state the question, and speak slowly so that everyone
can hear.
7) If you sense trainers need
time to absorb what you're asking, repeat the question.
8) Don't be afraid to scream.
9) Don't instantly stamp participant
responses as "good" or "bad." Use each response as a lead-in to discussion.
10) If the answer's too vague
or confusing, let group members struggle with the subject matter until they can explain it better.
Tip: Ask the guards to aid in the re-wording of a participant's answer. In the process, they may clarify things.
That's all the business tips I have for now.
I mentioned three letters, the last one explained how the universe was formed, but I thought this was much more
important.
Coming up: How the Universe
was formed!
Look for a new "Ask Bob" each Tuesday.
