I was supposed to write about business and the universe, but since our editor is on holiday I can do whatever I
want. Instead, I'm writing a 2001 New Years Special!
Since we now officially live in the future, here's a relevant a question sent in about 6 months ago, "It's
the year 2000, where's my rocket pack?" Click the question to see
the answer from our archives.
My lovely and talented hippy-chick left me for the new year. Not gone for good, just until the New Year blows over.
Last year I was convinced that all the computers would crash and apes would take over the world, so I gathered
up enough army rations and bottled water to last a couple of years. I saved money by cleaning old milk jugs and
filling them up with water. I started in June, 1999 and by new years eve I had a pretty good supply. Then, I found
a nice cave and filled it up with our supplies.
My paranoia started In 1986, when I dreamt that I saw a large satellite fall from the sky and crash to the ground.
Shortly afterwards all computers broke and a nuclear war started by missiles being blasted into the sky all willy-nilly
style.
After that I remember running across a building roof and then jumping to another roof. As I jumped I looked down
and saw ape-men looking up and pointing behind me. When I landed on the other building, I looked behind me and
I saw a Godzilla-like creature smashing buildings as he came toward me!
I was quite certain it was the year 2000 because I saw a billboard for Ultra Dawn Power Plus dish washing liquid,
which hadn't been invented yet.
So I'm sitting in a dark, damp cave with a shotgun on my lap, on New Years Eve because I'm quite certain chaos
is gonna break loose. My wife is upset because she got free tickets to a Millennium New Years Party that promised
to be the party of the Century.
Now we eat army rations every other day, and I take them to work for lunch.
My wife doesn't want to take any chances, so she left town just in case I flip out again. But most my future predictions
have been pretty accurate. I get them by interpreting my dreams, just like Joshua and the electric blanket.
Here are some of my previous predictions:
1958 - Bing Crosby shall give up alcohol. Concern
about Dean Martin's failing health caused by alcohol causes him to swear off the stuff!
"I've never felt better!" He will say in an interview, "A friend showed me that I can get this stuff
from the drug store, mix it with baking soda and heat it. I end up with a wonderful little substance I like to
call a 'rock.' I can then smoke it in a pipe and get high without illegal drugs or alcohol. I can't wait to tell
'Frankie' about it!"
Later, Bing and his pipe become inseparable as it will become his trademark.
1961 - Presidential looser Richard Nixon, in a fit
of jealousy, will conspire with Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson, the Mafia, and an unknown upstart George Bush,
to assassinate President Kennedy.
They fail and end up in prison.
1964 - Frank Sinatra shall introduce his Mafia buddies
to Bing Crosby's "rock," which he plans to sell legally. They say it's, "...a crack-pot idea."
The name sticks!
1968 - A sudden wave of Conservatism will sweep over
America's youth as they burn Beatle Records, announce Rock Music is dead, and replace peace signs and "happy
faces" with swastikas. Time Magazine will print the headline, "War is In!"
1972 - 2 Reporters from the Washington
Post will provide documented proof that no one had ever gone to the moon and that space travel is scientifically
impossible.
NASA admits their guilt and starts a movie production company that generates billions of dollars because of cool
special effects. With the extra money, the American Budget will be balanced and the economy will thrive!
1975 - The Mafia will loose millions
of dollars on "crack" because America is no longer interested in drugs. The head, mob-boss-godfather
guy gets a part time job at "Shakey's Pizza," to help make ends meet.
1977 - A young law student will try
to impress a young freshmen chick, by pretending to smoke pot with the "in crowd." He doesn't inhale,
becomes unpopular and we will never hear from him again.
1978 - Apes will take over the world!
Charleton Heston decides to run for President. His platform is based on the fact that he's the only one who knows
how to deal with them "Damn Dirty Apes!" Since the few people that saw "Planet of the Apes"
have all died of old age, no one knows what he's talking about.
Ronald Reagan will also decide to run for President.
1980 - To help out his good buddy Frank Sinatra, President
Reagan declares another "War on Drugs," he targets marijuana dealers. Since no one is watching the cocaine
dealers, people can safely turn to Sinatra's "Crack Rock."
Finally, the Mafia starts making some money and mob bosses can return to drug dealin' and racketeering on a full
time basis!
1982 - George Bush's son, George Bush, will get drunk
again and on his way to get some "crack" he will hit a little kitten called Mr. Boots. Kids all over
the neighborhood form a crowd and stare as the little kitty shakes in convulsions. The kitty is not dead.
In his first reported case of blood lust, the drunken Bush dressed in a ten gallon hat and cowboy boots, stomps
on the kitten's head to put him out of his misery. Kitty brains and blood splatters on the faces of the horrified
little children as they scream hysterically.
One kid yelled at Bush, "Hey! Who told you to kill that cat!"
"Yeah!" Another boy added, "Who voted YOU President!"
"No one." Bush replied.
That's all I can remember for now, I have a hangover and I'm tired of writing.
Coming up next New Years Day:
Predictions for the year 2001!
Look for a new "Ask Bob" each Tuesday.
